


I Don't Want to Sleep

by betsybo



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 01, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Confident-in-his-sexuality!Lister, Established Relationship, First Time, Fluff, Gay Lister, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mild Kink, Mutual Masturbation, Past Abuse, Pre-Series, Rating May Change, Sex, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-07-23 11:00:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16157663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betsybo/pseuds/betsybo
Summary: In which Lister is feeling rather lonesome, and Rimmer gets two bits of bad news in one day.An AU for Series I where Lister and Rimmer were together from before the accident.





	1. The Right Guy

**Author's Note:**

> Had this one on the back burner for a while, but I think it's ready to go now. Inspired by the moment in ‘Duct Soup’ when Kochanski (allegedly just to distract Lister) says that her Lister was gay, and I started thinking about that idea way too much. I also wanted to see Lister/Rimmer having been together pre-series and remaining together throughout, although I can't promise that this will cover loads of series right now! I hope to at least get up to where series 1 starts and then see what happens.
> 
> There is some dialogue lifted directly from the show, but I have tried to keep that to a minimum. At this point, Lister has been on Red Dwarf for some months, but they have a while to go before The Incident. I tagged for smoking just because Lister does a fair amount of it and I know some people do not like, but I always liked to imagine the ciggies in the RD universe are relatively harmless in comparison to the real ones. Also I'm fairly new to this pairing, so I hope it's okay!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the show or any of the characters, I am just doing this for fun!

On Friday night Lister exited the mess hall several hours earlier than usual. He’d been holding out to talk to Kochanski for a while, but she hadn’t turned up. He thought he’d spotted her hand in hand with a guy earlier in the week, and so he suspected she might be with him tonight. He didn’t blame her. He knew where _he’d_ be if he had any prospects. Petersen, Selby and Chen were blind-drunk already and Lister wasn’t in the mood to bother catching up with them now. He was very fond of them, but he’d wanted a proper conversation with someone tonight. Someone who wouldn’t cackle and make obscene jokes when he talked about wanting to meet the right guy – as in, the one he’d take to Fiji. Although, he _had_ also shaved and taken a long shower before coming, just on the off-chance he actually met the right guy this evening. Or maybe just a nice bloke. But he’d had no such luck.

 

Walking along the silent corridor to his and Rimmer’s shared quarters, Lister rounded a corner and nearly tripped over somebody sitting on the floor.

 

‘Watch it!’ he yelped, swerving before he accidently kicked the person’s legs. He steadied himself against the wall, and then frowned when he saw who it was.

 

‘Rimmer?’ he asked. ‘You okay?’

 

Rimmer didn’t respond. Lister wouldn’t usually have been surprised to be ignored by him; they weren’t exactly friends. But Rimmer’s eyes looked slightly out of focus, and it now seemed he was more sprawled on the floor rather than just reclining against the wall panels as Lister sometimes liked to if a shift was long.

 

‘Rimmer?’ Lister tried again, waving a hand in front of his face.

 

Rimmer looked up at him, opened his mouth and took a thick-sounding gasp, and then he grabbed at a pipe behind him and started to pull himself up.

 

Lister grinned in disbelief.

 

‘Surely the Second Technician isn’t out _enjoying_ himself tonight?’ he asked.

 

Rimmer wobbled and fell back on the floor.

 

‘Woah!’ said Lister, grabbing his arm to slow his descent slightly. ‘A little too much, maybe?’

 

‘No... No, I’m n-not drunk,’ Rimmer wheezed out, opening and closing his mouth like Lennon and McCartney did all day. ‘I’m – I’m – ’

 

‘Panic-attack?’ prompted Lister.

 

‘ – Nuh?’

 

Not quite, thought Lister. But Rimmer clearly wasn’t in a good way, either. He was rather pale and sweaty-looking.

 

‘Medi-bay?’ he asked.

 

‘No – please!’ panted Rimmer, grabbing Lister’s arm as he tried to stand again.

 

‘Come on then, Arnie.’ Lister looped one of Rimmer’s arms over his own shoulders to help him the rest of the way up, and steered them both further along the corridor. ‘Let’s get you to bed.’

 

Thankfully, they didn’t have far to go before they reached their room. Lister helped settle Rimmer down on his bunk and then extricated himself from the other man. He’d been expecting something like this to happen. Rimmer was due to take yet another Astro-nav test at some point this week, and with every attempt he seemed to be getting more and more pompous and uptight. And the more pompous, uptight and certain he was that _this_ time he’d succeed, the worse the inevitable failure was for him. Tonight, however, it seemed the guy was skirting closer to having an actual breakdown.

 

‘Exam nerves, is it?’ Lister asked him, as he filled a mug from the tap and then handed it over.

 

‘You could say that,’ Rimmer croaked, his breathing starting to return to normal as he sipped the water with a shaky hand. ‘I failed. Again. I failed _again_.’

 

‘Ah,’ said Lister, sticking his hands in his pockets as he watched him gasp and rock slightly on the bed for a moment. ‘It was today.’

 

Although the news was of no great shock, and he honestly thought Rimmer deserved to be taken down a peg or two, he didn’t think it wise to ignore him and leave him wallowing alone in this state. It was sort of interesting to see the guy with his barriers down for once. He looked much younger. Lister knew he was only roughly five years older than himself, but somehow Rimmer often managed to appear almost middle-aged.

 

‘Why do you do this to yourself?’ Lister asked him, and Rimmer scowled.

 

‘Where – I want to get to requires hard work and – _precision_. I wouldn’t expect- ’

 

He tailed off, quickly bringing the mug to his mouth to take another desperate slurp of water, but Lister understood. ‘I wouldn’t expect _you_ to understand, Lister, you slob,’ was what he had been about to say.

 

‘But if _this_ happens to you every time?’ said Lister.

 

‘Oh – ’ said Rimmer, swallowing his mouthful and waving a hand. ‘ _This_ is just – ’

 

‘A panic-attack.’

 

‘No.’

 

‘A mental breakdown.’

 

‘ _No_.’

 

‘Going to keep on happening if you don’t take it easy.’

 

‘No, Lister, just – !’ Rimmer pointed at Lister furiously, before deflating and looking away from him. ‘Shut _up_.’

 

Lister reached over and took the mug from him.

 

‘ – Thank you,’ said Rimmer stiffly, crossing his arms over himself protectively.

 

Lister shrugged and chucked the mug in the sink. He watched Rimmer for a moment, as the man glowered at the floor between his feet, and then he noticed a letter on the bed.

 

‘Is that your results then?’ Lister asked gently.

 

‘What?’ said Rimmer, looking up at him and then down at the paper. ‘Oh – no. That’s from my mother.’

 

‘She knows you failed already? That was quick!’

 

‘No, she _doesn’t_ know, you gimboid! She – it’s...’

 

Rimmer went quiet again, and Lister put a hand up.

 

‘Forget it, man,’ he said and walked away to sit down at the table. He grabbed a can of lager he’d left there earlier and cracked it open messily.

 

‘My father died,’ said Rimmer suddenly, in a dull tone.

 

Lister twisted sharply in the chair to face him.

 

‘Oh, _smeg_ ,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry, man.’

 

Rimmer made a small noise, and gave a shrug.

 

‘How did it happen, if you don’t mind me asking?’ said Lister feebly.

 

‘In his sleep,’ replied Rimmer. ‘Peaceful. Normal.’

 

Lister helplessly watched him continue to stare into space. He wasn’t sure if this was the done thing with someone you didn’t get on with, but there was always a procedure when someone died, wasn’t there? His adoptive parents had passed away when he was rather too young to understand everything, but his grandmother’s death had hurt badly and he’d appreciated whenever people took the time to talk with him about her.

 

‘You must have been pretty close?’ he tried again, taking a slurp from his can.

 

He thought he could imagine Rimmer’s father. Tall, stern, and well groomed, but a man who had probably let loose once in a while and played soldiers with his son after he got in from work. He felt another pang of sympathy for Rimmer.

 

‘Close?’ repeated Rimmer, still in that emotionless voice.

 

‘Very close? Do you want to talk about it?’

 

‘ _Close_?’

 

‘Yeah?’

 

‘I _hated_ him!’

 

Lister’s eyebrows shot up in alarm as Rimmer stood up and began to _talk_. About everything; his parents, his childhood, his education. Lister was shocked by the things he was hearing; the short, tyrannical Rimmer patriarch, the cold, absent mother, the relentlessly cruel older brothers, and the years of humiliation endured at his schools. Quite suddenly, Arnold J. Rimmer wasn’t such a big mystery to him.

 

‘I had no idea, I thought you _adored_ your parents,’ he said, finishing his lager off and crushing the can down before he tossed it in the bin. Of course, this revelation didn’t mean that the guy wasn’t still a complete git, but it _did_ explain so many of his less-than-agreeable traits. And Lister couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.

 

‘When I was fourteen I divorced them,’ said Rimmer, his voice finally evening out as he went to sit back down on his bed. Lister got up from the chair and walked over to sit beside him.

 

‘What?’ asked Lister softly.

 

‘I took them to court. I got paid maintenance ‘til employment age, and had access every fourth weekend to the family dog.’ There was silence for a moment, and Rimmer sighed. ‘I respected the man, though. Looked up to him, even after that. I just wanted once – just _once_ , for him to say, “Well done”.’

 

Lister blew out a long breath. He’d long assumed that on some level Rimmer had selected to be alone, given how antagonistic he was with most people. But now he found himself imagining a lonely little boy struggling to live up to near-impossible expectations that, by the sound of it, he’d almost been _set up_ to fail on. Yes, the things Lister could only imagine about Rimmer’s childhood were actually horrifying. And now he wasn’t sure of the best course of action. They were not friends, and Rimmer had never confided in him like this. And even though he suspected Rimmer might reject it, he still wanted to offer him comfort. It would be healthy for Rimmer to understand that he was safe to grieve in this room – in front of _him_.

 

‘That’s brave,’ he said finally, and put a hand on Rimmer’s back; not clapping down like he might do on one of his mates – Rimmer probably wouldn’t like that – but gave him a gentle pat that he hoped was soothing.

 

‘ – Brave?’ said Rimmer after a moment, looking at him.

 

‘Yeah,’ said Lister quietly. ‘I mean, to walk away from all their smeg. Take a chance elsewhere. Especially when you were so young. That’s _very_ brave.’

 

Rimmer looked astonished.

 

‘You really think so?’

 

‘Yeah! What – you don’t?’

 

Rimmer blinked and looked around as though he was seeing their quarters for the first time in his life.

 

‘ – I just... couldn’t take it anymore,’ he said quietly.

 

‘Good for you, man,’ said Lister, and started to rub Rimmer’s back. He could feel the warmth through his shirt.

 

‘No one’s ever told me I was brave before,’ said Rimmer, voice sounding a bit dazed again.

 

‘Hm?’ Lister continued rubbing. The pair of them had never been tactile with each other (which was probably a good thing with the way they bickered), but Rimmer didn’t seem uncomfortable so far. He wondered if he should try and coax him to cry if he needed, or maybe even to go to sleep.

 

‘No one likes me,’ muttered Rimmer.

 

Lister sighed, pausing the movement of his hand. He could sense another rant about to happen. Clearly Rimmer was feeling extra sorry for himself tonight. He was half-tempted to tell the man that he couldn’t just _expect_ people to like him with the smug, superior attitude he usually went about with, but decided against it. Rimmer could be weaselly and unpleasant but something had always prevented Lister from completely writing him off as a potential friend. Maybe it was because he was just so easy to annoy, or because he _did_ actually find him quite funny when he was unleashing one of his tirades, or correcting people’s grammar, or criticising their tastes. And Lister had to admit that he was a soft touch. Anyone who shot a sad look his way tended to melt his heart, and Rimmer really did look pathetic tonight. It was also stirring up other feelings in him, ones he’d been stamping down on since they first met.

 

‘I have no friends,’ Rimmer continued morosely. ‘No parents. No achievements. No career. No love life. Can’t remember the last time I had a kiss.’

 

Lister smoothed his hand up Rimmer’s back again; and let his arm rest over the other man’s shoulders.

 

‘It’s gonna happen for you, guy.’

 

‘Really?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘When? Who? What would anyone see in _me_?’

 

Lister paused; his brow furrowing as he thought.

 

‘Oh, _thanks_ ,’ huffed Rimmer.

 

‘Wait a _sec_ , yeah?’ grumbled Lister. Truth be told, he’d had a bit of a crush on Rimmer from the get go, but he’d thought it unwise to explore why that might be, let alone make his bunkmate aware of his attraction. ‘Erm, so you’re very... organised.’

 

‘“Organised?”’ Rimmer repeated sarcastically.

 

‘What? Lots of people like that in a partner.’

 

Rimmer snorted, and Lister bit his lip as he thought harder. The trouble was, Rimmer’s ego was either pumped up to delusional levels of arrogance, or in an absolute, self-despising shortage; there _was_ no in-between for him. Lister didn’t really want to feed him the kind of reassurance that would have him riding high for ten minutes only to crash violently the next. He wanted to be honest with him.

 

‘You’re very presentable,’ he said, reaching over with the arm not around Rimmer to tug the man’s beige tie gently. ‘You’re really quite handsome, you know?’

 

Rimmer stared at him.

 

‘You once told me my nostrils were like the openings of a twin-tube road tunnel that had to be widened after two double-decker buses capsized within them,’ he said in disbelief.

 

‘I meant that as a compliment!’ said Lister hastily; tightening his hold around Rimmer and running his fingers down the tie in what he hoped was an affirming way. ‘And they _are_ , but it doesn’t make you not handsome. They’re a _defining_ feature. Some people have hardly any nostrils at all.’

 

Rimmer rolled his eyes, but said quietly, ‘Go on.’

 

‘You have a nice face. Expressive. Interesting. Like your voice; it’s very clear and... smart-sounding!’

 

He was expecting to be scoffed at again, but Rimmer appeared to be listening to him attentively now. He continued.

 

‘You have good posture. Strong jaw line. Nice broad shoulders. Slim. Fit. And you’re tall. There’s something about a tall guy...’ Lister’s voice trailed off.

 

‘You like – tall men?’ Rimmer asked after a moment, and Lister was suddenly aware of how close their faces were to each other.

 

He had essentially just given himself away, Lister realised. Although, perhaps if Rimmer’s self-esteem was still taking some downtime the guy wouldn’t have noticed. He needed to watch it.

 

‘ – Yeah, I do,’ he said despite himself, staring into Rimmer’s sad, hazel eyes.

 

‘...What else?’

 

‘You’re funny. Your salutes drive me mad but they’re so – you. And the things you _say_ – your putdowns are killer.’ Lister paused, heart beating fast as Rimmer laid a hand on his. ‘’Specially when you’re angry. You get _so_ het up – And when you’re happy you look so smegging pleased with yourself. But you make me laugh.’

 

‘Lister – ’

 

‘ – And you’re really, really cute.’

 

Rimmer let out a tiny gasp as Lister leaned in, Lister hesitating only to make sure that he didn’t look scared or try to pull away, and then he pressed a kiss against his parted lips. Rimmer brought a hand up to Lister’s jaw and pressed harder against him. Lister shut his eyes and allowed himself to be drawn closer.

 

This was a bad idea, he knew. Rimmer was a git. Rimmer didn’t _like_ him. He was amazed the guy hadn’t pushed him away in horror, actually. And he was extremely vulnerable tonight; was Lister just taking advantage of him? Possibly. But maybe if he was careful about the way he handled things from here he could leave the guy feeling good about himself. Besides, the kiss was... _nice_. Really nice. With anybody else, Lister might have been open to having a one-night stand, but he wasn’t sure if Rimmer would be able to handle continuing to live in such close proximity with him afterwards. As the kiss deepened, Lister searched for the right words to end this; something that might flatter Rimmer some more and wouldn’t make him feel as though he’d just been used.

 

‘You drive me _insane_ ,’ said Rimmer when they separated, cutting off Lister’s thought process, and suddenly he was up again, pacing to and fro across the room. ‘With your fat little gerbil smiles, and your flicky dreads, and the way you suck on your cigarettes and smegging lollipops and I can’t _stand_ it!’

 

‘This is a turn up, I thought you hated me!’ said Lister sardonically, stamping down on the disappointment and hurt that was rising up in him to give Rimmer one of his gerbil grins. He was all for cheering Rimmer up but he’d be damned if he let the bloke just insult him and walk away. He was _such_ an idiot – he should have known kissing him would be a mistake.

 

‘ _Hate_ you?’ said Rimmer, shaking his head. ‘How could I? I hate what you _do_ to me! You’re annoying, illiterate, loud, dirty and downright _rude_. You tormentme with your very _presence!’_

 

‘Hmm – I think that’s still technically hate?’

 

‘I’ll tell you who I hate!’ boomed Rimmer, pointing at him. ‘I hate that _oaf_ , Petersen!’

 

‘Petersen?’ Lister frowned. ‘I know you and him don’t get on like, but what did _he_ do?’

 

‘He’s all over you, isn’t he?’

 

Lister stared at Rimmer then, a small flicker of hope registering in his heart at the very obvious jealousy in the man's voice. He thought he was beginning to understand now.

 

‘ _Is_ he?’ he asked knowingly.

 

‘There’s that hideous tattoo you’ve got on your leg for one thing!’

 

‘Ah, you’ve seen that, have yeh?’ drawled Lister, letting his accent roll out strongly as the leg in question gave an almost involuntary twitch. ‘Didn’t realise I’d flashed you me inner thigh; I must be more careful.’

 

Rimmer clenched his fists.

 

‘I was _drunk_ , man,’ Lister continued. ‘Petersen got me in the tattooist’s chair after I’d had a few. I _do_ love him – but just as friends, you know? And anyway it was his revenge on me for sellotaping his head when he was pissed one time.’

 

‘Come off it, Listy, I’ve seen you together in the mess! You get all tarted up like you are tonight and then you go and sit right where he wants you, isn’t that right?’

 

‘Eh?’

 

‘Like last week. You were sitting on his lap and your thighs were straddling his great, _hairy_ thighs and I hated it! I hate  _him_!’

 

‘Ah, come on. Peterson’s just me mate. He’s into girls.’

 

‘I _loathe_ him. If you had to sit on anyone’s lap why couldn’t it be _mine_?!’

 

Rimmer panted after his outburst, seeming to come to a slow realisation of what he’d just said. He lowered his hand from where it had been clasped over his heart, and looked at the floor.

 

‘Ah,’ said Lister, nodding. ‘So _that’s_ the problem. You like me despite all the things that drive you crazy.’

 

‘Lister – ’ said Rimmer desperately, looking up at him. ‘For some ungodly reason, I _adore_ you. And the thought of anyone else touching you or calling you their boyfriend makes me want to throw up and physically hurt somebody.’

 

Lister watched him for a moment, a soft smile growing on his face.

 

‘Well, thank God for that,’ he said pleasantly.

 

Rimmer swallowed, his expression frightened and searching.

 

‘You’re not disgusted?’ he asked.

 

‘Er, I think it was _me_ who kissed you just a moment ago, wasn’t it?’ said Lister. ‘Didn’t you hear what I said about you earlier? Of course I’m not disgusted, love.’

 

‘You like _me_?’

 

‘Oh, yeah!’

 

And Lister knew it was true. Despite the smarminess, the anal retentiveness, the salutes, the no smoking signs, the tapes playing into the small hours, the made up rules, and the constant criticism, Lister really liked Rimmer. It was probably why he found him so damn annoying – he’d never _quite_ been able to just dismiss him as meaning nothing to him.

 

‘I want to go out with you – properly, I mean,’ said Rimmer abruptly in his businesslike way, but still standing there as though he was afraid he’d fall through the floor if he moved.

 

‘Exclusive, like?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

Lister beamed at him.

 

‘I should think so too,’ he said in his most charming voice as he leant back to show off his body a bit.

 

‘I haven’t really – ’ Rimmer paused, blushing and flicking his gaze up and down at Lister’s motion. ‘I mean, I don’t go on a lot of dates with men. I’m not sure how it works.’

 

Lister clucked his tongue, deciding not to mention that he was quite sure Rimmer didn’t go on a lot of dates full stop.

 

‘Well, I think it’s much the same dating girls,’ he said casually. ‘We could go out for drinks, or there’s games night in the mess on Tuesday evenings... we’d probably end up killing each other, mind. Then there’s next Friday, of course. Music and dancing – more drinking.’ Lister watched Rimmer tense up at each suggestion. He understood; each one he’d made so far would inevitably involve being around other people – people Rimmer disliked, or who disliked him. ‘We could catch a movie, or – oh, wait. You don’t like films, do you?’

 

‘No – !’ said Rimmer. ‘I – I’d like to see a film with you.’

 

‘Okay, we could do that, then? Tomorrow?’

 

‘Yes. Please. I mean – I’ll take you. That is – I’ll pay.’

 

Lister couldn’t stop smiling at the guy’s stammering. He didn’t think he’d ever been asked out so formally. And he never thought he’d see Rimmer _nervous_ around him of all people. He really was adorable.

 

‘I’d fight you on that one but I’m skint at the moment,’ he said, pushing up off the bunk and coming over to stand in front of him.

 

‘I know – ’ said Rimmer softly. ‘You’re utterly uselessat saving.’

 

‘I’m very good at saving. I have _plans_ for my savings.’

 

‘What sort of plans?’

 

‘All in good time, babe.’

 

Lister had to stand on his tiptoes to kiss Rimmer again, until he relaxed into it. He put his arms over Rimmer's shoulders; folding them loosely behind his neck, and parted his lips to give a few tentative licks against Rimmer’s mouth. The other man groaned against him, bringing his arms around his torso and opening his mouth to allow Lister’s tongue entry. They stayed like that for a while; Rimmer finally growing bolder and using his hands to stroke up and down Lister’s back. One hand stopped just above Lister’s backside, a noticeable tremor going through it. Lister broke the kiss to check in on him, and was delighted to find Rimmer looking no-less interested than he had a moment ago.

 

He _had_ been going to suggest that Rimmer went to sleep; after everything he’d gone through that day he could probably have done with a rest. But there was colour in his cheeks now, and his grip on Lister was strong. And there was something else – something indefinable hanging in the air that told Lister they _wouldn’t_ be doing their usual bedtime routine tonight. Rimmer was looking at him with an intensity that was making him very hot beneath the collar, and the knowledge that he’d felt this way for a while was a surprising turn on.

 

‘You feeling okay?’ Lister asked him softly.

 

‘Yes, I’m fine – now,’ murmured Rimmer, voice slightly hoarse.

 

‘And you’re definitely not drunk or on any medication?’

 

‘No.’

 

‘Fully in control?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘Not gonna run out on me in the morning?’

 

‘ _Lister_ – !’

 

‘You want to fuck me?’

 

Rimmer gave a strange choking sound.

 

‘ _Yes_ ,’ he whispered frantically.

 

‘Lock!’ Lister called over his shoulder, and the doors slid shut.

 

Half an hour later, most – if not all of Lister’s earlier concerns about Rimmer had faded away for now, because the guy was finally unwinding. After a couple of false starts where Lister had given him an enjoyable (albeit interrupted and short) blowjob, Rimmer seemed to have gotten the hang of things. He was thrusting into Lister madly, gripping him with a passion that was almost alarming, and gasping and moaning against Lister’s shoulder. Lister grinned and shut his eyes as he palmed Rimmer’s arse and let the man rock them both to ecstasy in the bottom bunk.

 

‘Did you enjoy it?’ Rimmer asked afterwards, when they were lying together, both still sweaty and out of breath.

 

‘Yeah,’ sighed Lister dreamily as he lit up a cigarette.

 

Rimmer propped himself up on an elbow to look at him then, and Lister thought he was about to be told off for smoking, but he said, ‘I’ll get better.’

 

‘Aw, look, man,’ said Lister, reaching with his free hand to cup Rimmer’s cheek. ‘You must have heard the sounds I was making. I really enjoyed it!’

 

‘Yes, but I’ll learn more. And I’ll give it you whenever you want.’

 

Lister burst out laughing at that, and Rimmer looked cowed.

 

‘ _Rimmer_ – it was great! I’ll hold you to that, though. I always did get a bit hot and sticky when you got your clipboard and pen out.’

 

‘Lister,’ said Rimmer, his tone quickly turning serious. ‘I didn’t mean to imply that we could abuse the rota willy-nilly. We may be together now, but when we are on _duty_ – ’

 

Lister exhaled some smoke into his face, stopping him mid-rant, and grinned. Rimmer was clearly back on form. But it didn’t matter what he said; Lister was _definitely_ going to seduce him during their next shift.

 

‘I really enjoyed it too,’ Rimmer said then, still blinking rapidly from the smoke as he covered the hand Lister still held against his face with his own and linked their fingers together. ‘You don’t know what this meant – what it _means_ to me.’

 

‘I have an idea,’ said Lister, giving their hands a little squeeze.

 

They went at it again a few minutes later; rubbing off against each other as Lister grasped their cocks in one hand, and afterwards Lister let Rimmer fall asleep with his head on his chest. He stroked his fingers through Rimmer’s wild hair, having teased out all the gel in the earlier action.

 

He smiled. It looked as though he’d found the man he was taking to Fiji, after all.


	2. Gazpacho Soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister and Rimmer's relationship continues to develop, and Petersen and Kochanski find out about them.

It took Rimmer two weeks to reply to his mother’s letter. Given how long the postal service took to and from _Red Dwarf_ , it wouldn’t have mattered, and Lister sensed that he usually postponed responding to her letters anyway. Not that Rimmer had had much _time_ for replying to post in the last few days.

 

No – in the last few days, Rimmer had been busy. Almost every waking moment had been spent with Lister; at work, between shifts, and on dates. Their first trip to the cinema had gone well, although it seemed Rimmer wasn’t enchanted by the romcom’s ‘sentimental poppycock’, as he called it.

 

‘You liked us snogging in the back, though,’ Lister had said as they left.

 

‘Well – ’ said Rimmer, inclining his head in a considering kind of way. ‘Yes. But given those circumstances, they could have stuck any old garbage on and I’d have enjoyed myself.’

 

‘So you had a good time, then?’

 

‘ – Yes. I’d like to go on another soon.’ Rimmer pursed his lips awkwardly. ‘If you would?’

 

‘Definitely! You want to see another movie, or – ?’

 

‘Well – I was thinking we could – go for a wander in the botanical gardens – maybe.’

 

‘Ah, there you go! You _do_ have a romantic streak in you.’

 

‘It’s not too boring?’

 

‘Nah. And if it is, we’ll make it interesting, won’t we?’

 

They went four days later. It was surprisingly good fun; wandering, chatting and taking the piss out of rude-looking plants (on Lister’s part). They shared some more details of their lives; Rimmer’s side of things being a little more positive this time; his happier memories (all two of them) from childhood, and then of when he joined the Space Corps and got promoted to Second Technician. Lister shared a bit about his upbringing in Liverpool (omitting for now the more illegal adventures) and how he’d ended up stuck on Mimas. It was odd how suddenly they were able to have pleasant conversation; although Rimmer claimed to be unsurprised at Lister being on _Red Dwarf_ as basically the result of a pub-crawl, and Lister teased Rimmer for having a game of Risk as one of his best moments.

 

Work had also become a bit more agreeable. In fact, Lister was finding his job interesting for the first time since he’d stepped foot on the ship. Meanwhile Rimmer was, for the most part, determined that they wouldn’t abuse their close working relationship, but that hadn’t stopped a few quick snogs over the equipment trolley and the odd mutual handjob in the Technician’s closet. So far, they hadn’t been caught by any of their colleagues, although during a short break a skutter that had been passing as they shared an intimate moment had backtracked and given them a curious tilt of its head. Interrelationships between crew members wasn’t forbidden, but Lister suspected that if news of _this_ liaison reached the main drive room, Captain Hollister would make them both sign a pre-emptive damages report or something. For that reason, they had been quite discreet.

 

The rest of their time was devoted to sex.

 

Their bunks were most likely purposely designed to act as natural deterrents for sex. The missionary position was fine, but anything else was a bit of a pain if both parties wanted a soft platform and an un-bruised head. One evening Lister just dragged both their mattresses off the bunks and laid them on the floor so that he could ride Rimmer without knocking himself out. They couldn’t leave them there because of regulations, and what with Holly being able to look in on them it would probably be an unpopular move.

 

Lister had almost forgotten how brilliant sex could be. And it was so _good_ with Rimmer. Even when things were new and awkward, Lister found himself content to bask in his company as they explored each other’s bodies. Although _that_ side of things was a bit tricky at first, too.

 

After a week and a bit of rather straightforward, under-the-covers (but fantastic) shagging, Lister wanted them to take their time.

 

When he tugged Rimmer down onto the bottom bunk as usual, Rimmer immediately called for the lights to dim and tried to coax Lister onto his back, but then Lister called the lights back on.

 

‘Can we leave them on?’ he said. ‘I want to see you and just... touch a bit, you know?’

 

Rimmer paused, glancing at the mirror above the sink fearfully as though he expected to see Holly watching the pair of them.

 

‘You don’t want to just – do it?’ he asked.

 

‘Well, we can see what happens, can’t we?’

 

‘I – I don’t know, Lister, you know me; I have one way of doing things. A bit old-fashioned, maybe – a bit boring, perhaps, but – ’

 

‘You’re not boring, Arn.’

 

‘I just – this lighting isn’t the best.’

 

‘Come on, darlin’. We did it with the lights on the first time. I want to see you again.’

 

Rimmer pouted.

           

‘That’s easy for _you_ to say; you with your lovely skin, and that great _thing_ you’ve got between your legs,’ he said nodding at Lister’s crotch.

 

‘It’s only when it’s like this – it’s nothing too record-breaking when I’ve got a hard-on,’ replied Lister with a laugh.

 

‘It’s impressive enough. _I_ should know, I had it in me last night.’

 

‘ _Exactly_ , so how can you be embarrassed now?’

 

‘That was different. We had the lights down and – and – ’

 

Lister bit his lip, suddenly worried. He sat up and put his arms around Rimmer.

 

‘Look – was it really okay? I mean, you said I didn’t hurt you, but I know it can be sore – ’

 

‘It was fine. _More_ than fine. You haven’t done anything wrong; it’s me. It’s _always_ me.’

 

‘What are you nervous about? Me seeing you naked?’

 

Rimmer’s eye twitched at that.

 

‘Aw, _no_ ,’ cooed Lister, nuzzling his cheek. ‘You have a _great_ body – so trim and fit. And you’re starting to put a bit of muscle on, you know?’

 

Rimmer looked down at Lister’s hands as they brushed over his shoulders and down his front. Lister kissed his cheek and continued.

 

‘Look at me – I’m not perfect. I’m short. Me body hair’s patchy and I’m a little tubby around the middle and back, especially after a curry and a lager. I’m not bothered, like – I _like_ the way I look, but out of the two of us I think _you’re_ closer to the blokes they put in those lifestyle mags. You know – the ones they always have with their bums parked on the hood of a Land Rover in the countryside? White-toothed kinds of blokes to make the rest of us feel inferior.’

 

Rimmer made a small, wounded noise at the back of his throat and twisted to grab him. He pulled him in, until Lister realised what he wanted and then happily climbed around to sit on his knee. When he was comfortably seated, Rimmer ran his hand over Lister’s belly, eventually sliding his arm around his middle.

 

‘I love your body,’ he muttered.

 

This, Lister knew. Rimmer was a right perv when he got going.

 

‘And I love _yours_ ,’ said Lister, dropping a few kisses along his jawbone. ‘You’re gorgeous, babe! And we don’t have to touch and look at each other if you don’t want, but I’d hate if it was because you don’t believe you’re sexy as hell.’

 

Rimmer hesitated, before drawing Lister in for a deep kiss.

 

Slowly, they both removed their clothes and spent the rest of the evening caressing and exploring each other, making love three times before they finally passed out together.

 

It wasn’t just sex that was new for Rimmer to navigate. He clearly held a deep desire to give affection as well as receive it that had been mostly rejected and shackled until now. He had no difficulty with post-orgasm cuddles and whispered utterances of adoration, (and fondling), but he was still somewhat awkward with initiating contact if they hadn’t touched or seen each other for a bit. It was as though he needed Lister to clarify that it was okay; that he was allowed to express _his_ needs only when it was clear that Lister wanted the same; when it was safe. It had taken Lister a little while to figure this out about him. At first, he’d taken Rimmer’s freezing up and nervous stares as him not liking being touched, before he realised that a pattern had developed. He would approach Rimmer; asking for and offering affection, then back off when he thought it was unwanted, and then Rimmer would suddenly let loose; get Lister on the bed and spring into action. Then, and only then, would he properly relax. It seemed that he’d come to view cuddling as an after-sex thing only; something he had to earn, which Lister would not stand for.

 

Gradually, they worked things out. Every time they made love, kissed, hugged, or simply checked in on each other, Rimmer seemed just that little bit more confident; slightly less tense and afraid.

 

 

 

Lister was hovering by a dispensing machine trying to decide what sandwich he wanted, when he heard a shout.

 

‘Stay right where you are, Lister!’

 

Lister turned and grinned. It was Petersen.

 

‘What?’ he said innocently, crossing his arms.

 

‘Man – where’ve you _been_ the last few days?’ said Petersen.

 

Before Lister could answer, Petersen reached him, picked him up easily and spun him round before dumping him roughly back down on his feet.

 

‘Around,’ chuckled Lister, steadying himself. ‘Working, you know?’

 

‘You don’t do _work_ , you smegger,’ scoffed Petersen, leaning against the wall to crowd him in slightly.

 

‘I _do_. I’ve been working very _hard_ this month.’

 

Petersen narrowed his eyes at him, and then his mouth dropped open and he pointed at Lister.

 

‘ _You’ve_ got a bloke!’ he said.

 

‘Have I?’ asked Lister, smirking.

 

‘Fess up. Who is it?’

 

‘Who’s what?’

 

‘Don’t give me that smeg. Is he someone I know? Is he better looking than me?’

 

‘That’s not unlikely, is it?’

 

‘Sod off!’

 

‘Okay!’

 

Lister went to move off, and Petersen tugged him back.

 

‘Come on!’ said Petersen. ‘Who’s the guy? _Do_ I know him?’

 

‘Yeah, you do,’ said Lister, smirking up at him.

 

‘Is he an officer?’

 

‘Nope.’

 

‘Chef? I’ll grill all the boys on my team.’

 

‘Not a chef.’

 

‘Surprising. You’d shag anyone who could get you a free kebab. Technician, then?’

 

‘Yep.’

 

‘Well I know it’s not Selby, ‘cause he’s shown the last few nights. Plus you’d need your head looking at if it was him.’

 

‘True. Guess again.’

 

‘Give us a chance. Loads of the Tekkies are birds.’

 

‘So not them.’

 

‘But – it’s not – ’ Petersen stuttered over himself as his eyes went wide.

 

Lister raised an eyebrow at him.

 

‘What – _Rimmer_?!’ yelped Petersen, and then he started laughing. ‘Seriously?’

 

Lister nodded.

 

‘Seriously,’ he said.

 

‘You’ve missed the last few drinks nights because you were diddling _Rimmer_?’

 

‘That’s right. We’ve been very busy.’

 

‘You _do_ need your head looking at!’ Petersen guffawed stupidly. ‘Did he tie you to your bunk?!’

 

‘I’m hoping that’s on the cards, but not yet, no.’

 

It was true. Rimmer had a dominant streak in him that evidently went beyond pettily reporting Lister to their superiors and lording the little power he held over him during work. So far, its manifestation during sex had consisted of Rimmer holding his wrists while hissing about his disobedience in his ear, but Lister thought it was worth further investigation.

 

Petersen looked both disgusted and intrigued.

 

‘Does he take notes during sex, then?’ he asked, leering. ‘Does he put you on report and then put you over his knee?’

 

‘That’s exactly it, yeah.’

 

‘And I bet he has a sex chart! _Does_ he have a sex chart?’

 

‘Everything you’ve heard is true,’ said Lister dryly, ignoring the bewildered look a passing officer shot them.

 

Petersen cackled again.

 

‘So you’re screwing Rimmer –’ he began.

 

‘We’re together, actually,’ Lister cut across him brightly.

 

‘What, _official_?’

 

‘Yep.’

 

Lister told him a little bit more; a vague description of how they got together and what they’d been up to. Not that it mattered to Petersen, he knew he’d fill in the gaps with his own perverse imagination.

 

‘Ooh, here’s lover-boy!’ Petersen called out, when Lister had almost finished.

 

Lister turned to see Rimmer approaching them. The man's jaw was visibly clenched as he stopped beside them, and he stood ramrod straight as though waiting for his own execution.

 

‘Petersen,’ he said tersely.

 

‘Lister informs me that you and him are an _item_ now,’ drawled Petersen, circling Rimmer closely with a shit-eating grin on his face.

 

‘That is correct,’ replied Rimmer, staring ahead with a scowl.

 

‘That’s _nice_ , isn’t it?’

 

‘It is. It is also absolutely nobody else’s business.’

 

‘Oooh!’

 

‘Get out of his space, you git,’ said Lister, tugging Petersen aside playfully and reaching for Rimmer’s clenched fist. He turned so that he could stand beside him, and then gave his friend a teasing smile as he felt Rimmer’s grip relax into his hold.

 

‘What a lovely couple!’ said Petersen, clapping his hands together.

 

‘Aren’t we?’ said Lister, resting his head on Rimmer’s shoulder for a moment. ‘We’re going now, man. Might catch you later, yeah?’

 

Petersen stared at them in bemusement for a few seconds, and then shrugged.

 

‘Sure thing, boys. I know when I’m not wanted.’

 

‘Good,’ said Lister, his hunger forgotten as he pulled gently on Rimmer’s hand and led him away. 'See you, man.'

 

‘Oh, make sure you really give Lister a good _going over_ in your next shift, Rimmer!’ Petersen called from behind them.

 

Rimmer sniffed loudly, pausing as though he was going to turn around as Petersen laughed his way down the corridor in the opposite direction.

 

‘Chill, Rimsy,’ said Lister, placing his other hand on his chest. ‘It had to come out some time.’ He stopped, doubt creeping into his heart as he watched Rimmer’s face. ‘You did say – you didn’t mind me telling people.’

 

‘But _Petersen_?’ squawked Rimmer. ‘He’ll make all kinds of disgusting things up!’

 

‘Yeah, but nobody’ll believe him. Trust me.’

 

‘I can’t _stand_ that goit.’

 

‘And I’m sure he loves you too, darlin'. Come on, I reckon we have an hour before most of the deck knows about us.’

 

‘ _Why_?’

 

‘It’s _okay_. Honest. Most people who hear about it won't care, and anyone who gives any smegs will come and ask us. Probably.’

 

‘I hate you.’

 

 

 

Lister wasn’t so stupid that he hadn’t noticed the signs. The physical intimacy issues, the difficulty making friends or any close connections, the easily triggered stresses, the paranoia, and the long, long list of neurosis all indicated that Rimmer’s parents had left far more damage than even the man himself was aware of. Lister still knew Rimmer could be very brave and strong in his own way. But after just a month into the relationship, he could see that there was something extremely fragile about his lover; even more so than what he’d witnessed on the night they got together. It didn’t change how he felt, not at all. In fact – he wanted nothing more than to keep diving head first into a more serious relationship with the man.

 

Rimmer’s problems ran deeper than your average lack of confidence. No doubt it was largely due to his parents’ failings, but it manifested itself in some truly bizarre ways. For example, at first, Lister had put Rimmer’s embarrassment at being seen naked, and for people to know about them, down purely to his inexperience in dating and sex. It was only a few weeks after that, on a day Rimmer called ‘Gazpacho Soup Day’, that he realised it may have been more about his lover's overwhelming terror of being laughed at. Not to say that he thought Rimmer was ashamed of him, but he supposed other people knowing about them also meant that they would guess and think things about them – which was entirely beyond his control.

 

On November 25th, Rimmer was cold and irritable with Lister all day. By then, Lister was fairly used to Rimmer’s moods (after all, it had been much the same story before they got together), but he’d quickly noticed something was different. For one thing, Rimmer didn’t seem to be hankering after his attention as he usually was when he was grumpy or upset. During their shift, he threw off all of Lister’s attempts at flirtation, and even snapped at him a few times. Lister tried everything to loosen him up, but by the end of work Rimmer was essentially blanking him and Lister had had enough. He went off to the mess for dinner alone for the first time in a month, and was soon gratefully distracted by the presence of Kochanski.

 

‘Hello, stranger!’ she chirruped as she sat down beside him.

 

‘Hey!’ Lister hugged her tightly, before letting go so that they could both eat. ‘How are things? Have they approved my promotion yet?’

 

‘Yep. You’ve been made First Officer.’

 

‘First Officer? Not Captain, then?’

 

‘No. That’ll be me.’

 

‘Ah, they went for the less academically-minded option, then?’

 

They quickly caught up with each other’s news. Kochanski _had_ been seeing a guy about a month ago, but hadn’t really been feeling it and they never scheduled a third date. She was a little frustrated with work; she’d never been much of a fan of Captain Hollister but Lister didn’t know enough about drive room jobs and politics to be sure of why. Hollister had always been fairly kind to him; more than Rimmer had, really. But he trusted Kochanski's judgement and could only really blindly agree with her.

 

When Kochanski finished updating him, Lister told her about him and Rimmer.

 

‘ _Rimmer_?’ she whispered. ‘As in – ’ she feigned a nasally, precise voice ‘“That’s _Second Technician_ Rimmer, to you!?”’

 

‘That’s the one. Surprised you didn’t hear it already.’

 

‘Yes, I thought it was a joke,’ she said. ‘ _How_?’

 

Lister told her about finding Rimmer nearly passed out in the corridor, and taking him back to their room. He blurted out about the death of Rimmer’s father before he’d realised what he’d done, but did make sure to leave out the details of Rimmer’s upbringing. Kochanski was reliable anyway – he knew she wouldn’t tell anyone else.

 

‘You should have seen him, Kris,’ he said, remembering Rimmer’s watery, sad eyes. ‘He was so down about everything; feeling the whole world was against him. So I tried to make him feel better. I told him there was lots of things about him to find attractive.’

 

‘Ah,’ said Kochanski, nodding. ‘And you started to actually see those things?’

 

‘To tell you truth, I think I’ve always seen them.’ Lister scratched behind his ear bashfully. ‘First time I met him, I thought, “Uh-oh, good-looking roommate.” It was only when he opened his mouth that I was put off.’

 

‘And now?’

 

‘Well, now I know him better. I like him. And I know that he likes me – really likes me, you know? I’m not saying he’s secretly this perfect person or anything, I think he just needs some help. And sex.’

 

Kochanski just stared at him incredulously.

 

‘ _Well_ ,’ she said eventually. ‘I’ll be honest, Dave – I think you could do better... _but_ I also think you might do someone like Rimmer a lot of good.’

 

‘Erm, thanks?’ replied Lister uncertainly.

 

‘So, you’ve slept with him?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘Are you sure this is a good plan; with you rooming and working together and everything?’

 

Lister grinned at her.

 

‘Well, it will have to be, won’t it?’ he said. ‘We’re having a bit of a tiff today, now you mention it. No idea what I’ve done.’

 

She smiled sympathetically.

 

‘If he’s the right person, you’ll sort it out,’ she said.

 

‘That’s what I thought.’

 

‘Well, lucky Rimmer!’

 

‘Aw, don’t be too hard on him. He’s a softy underneath it all. And he’s great in bed.’

 

‘Oh, well in that case he deserves you.’ She took a mouthful of pie and chewed thoughtfully before swallowing. ‘I’d never have put Rimmer down as the passionate sort.’

 

‘People surprise you,’ said Lister, raising his lager can to her before taking a swig.

 

 

 

‘Where were you?’ asked Rimmer icily when he got in.

 

‘Mess,’ replied Lister, grabbing a comic and hoisting himself into the top bunk. He’d been in a good enough mood after his talk with Kochanski that he’d been considering trying to make up with Rimmer, but it seemed his boyfriend didn’t feel the same way.

 

To his surprise, Rimmer said, ‘I’m sorry.’

 

‘What for?’ asked Lister, keeping his response short and not looking at him.

 

‘Being – funny with you all day.’

 

Lister snorted, keeping his gaze firmly on the bright images of his comic.

 

‘There was _nothing_ funny about you today, Rimmer.’

 

‘I know. I – I just needed to be...’

 

‘ – Be what? Rimmer, I can’t just _guess_ everything. If I’ve done something wrong, or you want to be alone just _tell_ me. We’ve been around each other nearly all day every day for over a month, I get it. You’re sick of me.’

 

‘I’m not.’

 

‘Not what?’

 

‘I’m not sick of you. It’s not like that.’

 

‘Right, well. Whatever you need to do, just do it.’

 

‘It’s today.’

 

‘Mmhm.’

 

‘It’s – ’

 

Somewhat reluctantly, Lister finally lowered the comic and looked at him. For the first time that day, he felt a small amount of concern when he took in Rimmer’s appearance. He was very pale, and he was pulling a face as though he had a bad taste in his mouth.

 

‘Did you have another exam coming up?’ he asked gently.

 

‘No.’

 

Finally, after about a minute of Lister watching him, Rimmer told him why the day was so important.

 

It was always hard to tell with things like Gazpacho Soup Day whether Rimmer had just grossly exaggerated the events in his mind, but Lister knew enough by then to understand that one smirk on a single officer’s face, and the entire table may as well have pointed and laughed Rimmer out of the room. Accidentally requesting a traditionally cold dish to be heated up wasn’t something Lister would be bothered about or probably even remember, but his precious boyfriend – who had been routinely bullied and humiliated throughout most of his life – thought of this as the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

 

‘Darlin’, I’m sure it wasn’t _that_ funny to them,’ he said as he stroked Rimmer’s hair while the other man groaned into his chest. They were both on the bottom bunk now; Lister with his back against the wall and Rimmer sprawled limply on top of him. ‘I bet none of them even remember it now. _I_ wouldn’t. I mean, how are most people supposed to know about all these posh things?’

 

‘Exactly!’ snapped Rimmer, sitting up so violently he nearly whacked his head on the top bunk slats. ‘Why couldn’t my parents have been the right parents?’

 

‘Eh?’

 

‘If I’d been brought up properly I’d have known all about gazpacho soup and the meal would have gone perfectly!’

 

Lister very much doubted this, _and_ the idea that a single dinner would have immediately guaranteed Rimmer better prospects, but he kept it to himself.

 

‘I’m such an idiot, it was just the _worst_ mistake I could have made!’ Rimmer moaned.

 

‘ _No_ ,’ said Lister, shaking his head. ‘You could have made a fool of yourself by being an even bigger smeghead. Being cruel, or rude, or something. This is nowhere _near_ that bad, man.’

 

‘You think? Oh, but Lister you don’t understand! It’s not your passion to be an officer like it is for me.’

 

‘True, but I just think you’re looking at this all wrong. Okay, so it was a little embarrassing, but it’s _not_ a career-destroyer. And if it is, you’re in the wrong smegging career.’

 

‘ _Wrong career_?’

 

‘If people in a job were so tetchy over a bowl of smegging soup I wouldn’t have anything to do with them. But I reckon none of them have even thought about it since. Don’t let it get to you, love.’

 

Lister didn’t think he managed to convince Rimmer. Still, he was grateful that the guy felt secure enough with him to share his worst memory. Even if he had been a complete dick for most of the day.

 

 

 

After that, during quieter moments usually in the nighttimes, Rimmer became even more open with Lister. He was still sometimes withdrawn as he thought about his father’s death. He’d only cried the once, after a few cans of lager, and Lister just held him and whispered soft words of affection and comfort until he fell asleep. He got it now. Rimmer’s father may have been an abusive arsehole, but his passing had dug up a lot for his youngest son. Rimmer was sad for many things; for the man himself, for all the terrible memories, for knowing that he would never get the opportunity to please him, and partly, mourning a father he’d always wanted but never had. At times like this, when Rimmer was finally snoring peacefully, Lister held him tightly and silently promised him they'd make a loving family together.

 

 

 

On December 24th, Lister finally told Rimmer about the Fiji Plan.

 

‘You want _me_ to be a farmer?’ said Rimmer, his speech a little slurred. Lister had dragged him along to the Christmas Eve drinks in the mess, and they’d had a good time until Rimmer called Chen a goit. They were now in their quarters with the doors locked, lying together on their two mattresses that they’d dragged onto the floor.

 

‘Yeah – well, I was thinking you could sit on a big white horse and be in charge of herding the animals,’ said Lister dreamily.

 

‘Sheep,’ said Rimmer. ‘You’re giving me sheep.’

 

‘And the cow and the other horses.’

 

He didn't reply, and Lister turned his head to see Rimmer’s unimpressed expression and sighed.

 

‘ _I’ll_ do most of the mucky jobs. I’ve never minded those types of things, you know that.’

 

‘But have you ever done any heavier duty stuff?’ asked Rimmer. ‘For instance, shovelling manure?’

 

‘Hm, no.’

 

Rimmer snorted.

 

‘How about _underwater_ shit-shovelling?’

 

Lister propped himself up then, sliding his leg over Rimmer’s to lie on top of him.

 

‘Come on, think how nice it would be,’ he murmured in Rimmer’s ear. ‘Sunshine, open-spaces.’

 

‘Wet feet, wet sheep.’

 

‘It won’t be like that.’

 

‘ - Why give up a career in the Space Corps?’

 

‘Why keep it?’

 

Rimmer shook his head in exasperation.

 

‘Becoming an officer is... _essential_ to me. And you could do well too, if you put your mind to it.’

 

He stroked his fingers along Lister’s dreads.

 

‘But you’d look good on a horse,’ whined Lister with a yawn.

 

‘You’re mad, Listy,’ replied Rimmer, embracing him tightly and dropping a kiss on the top of his head.

 

‘Maybe,’ sighed Lister, lowering his head on Rimmer’s chest and stroking over his ribs. ‘Maybe.’

 

Rimmer would come round, he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone reading this! I'm really glad people liked the first chapter and I hope this was okay too. <3


	3. Serious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As _Red Dwarf_ approaches Titan, Lister and Rimmer encounter some difficulties in their relationship.

 

Getting together had changed remarkably little in their daily routines. During their shifts, Rimmer was still pedantic, Lister still usually giving minimum effort. Lister still teased Rimmer, and Rimmer still ‘reported’ Lister. The sex was still fantastic. _They_ were still fantastic.

 

But these days, despite his best efforts Lister found himself worrying. Worrying about the future. For most people this was probably normal, except Dave Lister didn’t _do_ worrying. He made plans, sure, but he was always content to let things happen the way they needed to. He was free-spirited and easygoing – he didn’t concern himself with serious matters like where he was going to be in five, ten, twenty years’ time if he didn’t manage to tick boxes A or B soon enough. He didn’t fret over whether a relationship was going anywhere; he just based it on whether they were happy or not. And he was happy – _so_ happy with Rimmer. But he often found himself questioning if _Rimmer_ was happy – or as happy as _he_ was. And if things were entirely as they should have been. It was probably all Rimmer’s fault; his lover’s neuroses were clearly rubbing off on him, amongst other things. And another explanation was that Rimmer was _still_ refusing to seriously consider Lister’s Fiji plan.

 

‘Have you tried using sex?’ Petersen had asked when Lister whined about it to the lads over a game of poker.

 

And Lister _had_ tried using sex to convince Rimmer into a lot of things. In the early days of their relationship it had worked, but the trouble was, Rimmer had caught on now. And he’d become rather wily in the sack himself. He knew how to work Lister’s body; get him excited, make him beg, make him come when he wanted him to. 

 

‘It doesn’t work,’ he sighed.

 

Petersen just shrugged as he dealt out his cards on the table.

 

‘Bloke’s a complete freak if you ask me,’ he said.

 

Lister wished he too could just laugh it off as another example of Rimmer being an uptight git, but he knew that wasn’t true. Rimmer had a hell of a lot going on beneath his cold façade. He wasn’t boring or passionless. He had almost too much passion; kept tightly crushed under the surface. In truth, Lister knew that the problem was that they wanted different things. Rimmer was still determined – no – _desperate_ to become an officer and prove himself, and it seemed that no amount of kind words, encouragement to look elsewhere, or blowjobs was going to change that. And Lister had been mulling it over for a while and he still couldn’t see how to harmonise Rimmer’s desires with his own.

 

It was pretty impossible getting Rimmer enthusiastic about Fiji when the guy didn’t know Earth like he did. He’d grown up in a sparse, loveless dome on Io, where there was no seaside or paradise to speak of. He also didn’t seem to want to be a farmer.

 

One afternoon, as they attended to one of the dispensers, Lister had tried to explain that _their_ farm was going to be different to a traditional one, but then Rimmer asked him how with that irritating, smug look on his face.

 

‘Because we’ll have each other,’ Lister had reasoned as he passed Rimmer a screwdriver.

 

Rimmer just shook his head.

 

‘This is real life, Listy,’ he said, scowling up into the inner workings of the dispenser. ‘Not one of your soppy romance films.’

 

 

Long term plans aside; Lister was also concerned about Rimmer’s social life. He still hadn’t really integrated with any of Lister’s friends. Lister always invited him to join them on a night out, or encouraged him to sit and chat with them at meals or meetings, but he knew he couldn’t do everything for him. Rimmer _did_ often join them at mealtimes, even though he’d obviously rather have a table for just the two of them and made no secret of it. Lister did try to make sure he sat alone with Rimmer some days, but it was feeling less and less because Rimmer wanted private, romantic time with him, and more because he just couldn’t stand the others. He felt that if Rimmer really didn’t want to be friends with the guys, then that was the end of it, but he still worried. It would be harsh to judge the guy solely for not taking to Petersen, Selby and Chen. After all, they were extremely laddish and unserious and the complete opposite of Rimmer, but Rimmer also didn’t seem to like anyone else. Part of it, Lister knew, was Rimmer’s never-ending jealousy coming into play, and the other part was his difficulty with making friends in the first place.

 

Lister supposed he had it easy; he got on relatively well with most groups he encountered. But Rimmer was just so hapless. He was suspicious of almost everyone; afraid that they were secretly laughing at him or judging him. He also became antagonistic the moment his confidence dropped. He tattled on his fellow crewmembers for the pettiest things, and was _unbelievably_ arrogant. He had charms – Lister had seen them – but he had no idea of how to make proper use of them. To Lister he may have become the most adorable thing since kittens, but to everyone else he was still the smarmy git of a suck-up.

 

If Lister ever met any of Rimmer’s family members he was going to give them an earful and a half. In the meantime, he knew he would just have to keep trying to encourage Rimmer to loosen up – and to stop his mates from riling him.

 

 

One afternoon, Lister dragged Rimmer along to the refectory for lunch. As usual, Rimmer ate as fast as he could and then sat stiffly in his chair beside Lister, going over some old notes so that he didn’t have to talk to anyone. Lister had made it clear to him from the beginning that if he really wanted to leave then he could, but usually Rimmer stayed. He didn’t like to leave Lister unsupervised.

 

‘McIntyre looks like death,’ said Selby, between mouthfuls of bacon sandwich.

 

‘I know,’ replied Lister. ‘Poor guy.’

 

‘That’s a senior crewmember you’re talking about,’ said Rimmer, not looking up from his notebook.

 

‘What?’ said Selby curiously. ‘I’m not being disrespectful; I’m just saying he looks like shit. In a sympathetic way, yeah?’

 

‘McIntyre’s appearance is none of your concern.’

 

‘What? What did I say?’

 

‘Don’t mind Rimmer,’ Petersen cut in. ‘He’s just hoping the guy will overhear and offer him his position before he pops his clogs.’

 

Lister felt Rimmer tense, and he abandoned the crusts of his own sandwich to put his arms around him, leaning his head on his chest.

 

‘Play nice, kids,’ he said.

 

‘Ah, look at that!’ cooed Chen at the pair of them.

 

‘Get a room,’ grumbled Selby.

 

Lister grinned. Rimmer had relaxed in his hold, but he suspected his lover was still making a face as though he was sucking a particularly sour lemon.

 

He caught Captain Hollister eyeing them from the officer’s table, and gave him a small wave. Hollister’s broad shoulders heaved a visible sigh and he went back to eating his lunch. The only comment he’d made to Lister when he found out about him and Rimmer was, ‘Really?’

 

Lister had selected to not take offense on Rimmer’s behalf. To be fair on Hollister, the pair of them had been a complete nuisance from the moment Lister arrived on the ship. Rimmer had constantly put Lister on report (back when ‘being put on report’ actually meant that) and complained about his laziness or his rudeness, and one time even for flicking his dreads in the direction of Rimmer’s face. And even though Rimmer hadn’t reported him for a while now (and Lister had put some effort into being less irritating), he could tell that Hollister was fearful of the day Rimmer and Lister broke up.

 

But that wasn’t going to happen. Lister refused to even consider a future without Arnold Rimmer in it.

 

 

 

A few weeks later, Lister awoke to find himself alone in Rimmer’s bed, and the man himself sitting by the table, too far away. He was about to call him back, when he noticed that Rimmer was surrounded by textbooks, charts and what looked like every conceivable type of pen in existence.

 

He felt dread set in. Of course he knew Rimmer hadn’t really given up on his dreams to become an officer, but he’d had two attempts at the Astro-navs this year, and both times had been as much of a disaster as the last.

 

‘Smeg,’ he said, sitting up. Rimmer turned to him. ‘You’re – ?’

 

‘That’s right, Listy,’ said Rimmer cheerily.

 

‘ _Again_?’

 

‘Can’t waste time – I’ve got to try and nail this. I’ve got a good feeling about it this time.’

 

Lister tried very hard not to pout. He scrambled to the edge of the bed, bringing the duvet around himself as he watched Rimmer turn back to his revision.

 

‘When’s the exam?’ he asked.

 

‘About two weeks.’

 

‘Why have you just started now?’

 

‘Two weeks, Lister – I need to get cracking.’

 

‘Yeah, but you usually only revise for about twenty-four hours. So why have you started now?’

 

Rimmer turned to him then with a raised eyebrow.

 

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ he said. ‘I’m extremely dedicated to my revision.’

 

‘You are with the preparation, yeah. But what about the actual studying?’

 

Rimmer just shook his head.

 

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lister.’

 

Lister scowled.

 

‘We’re getting to Titan soon,’ he said hopefully.

 

‘ – Yes?’

 

‘I was hoping we could spend some time together there.’

 

‘Lister – this is _really_ important.’

 

‘ – Why do you keep doing this?’

 

‘Doing _what_?’

 

‘Taking the test. Pushing yourself.’

 

‘Have you been paying attention to me at all? You know what I want for my career.’

 

‘Yeah, but _is_ it what you want?’

 

‘What?’

 

‘The career thing – becoming an officer – is that something that you really want, or is it what you were made to believe you want?’

 

Rimmer huffed.

 

‘I thought we’d established that I rejected my parents’ influence a long time ago,’ he said coldly. ‘In fact, _you_ said I was “brave”. Or was that just a line to get me into bed?’

 

Lister stood up then, throwing the duvet off himself as he stomped over to Rimmer’s side.

 

‘You divorcing your parents was _massive_ , man,’ he said. ‘I meant it when I said it’s one of the bravest things I’ve ever heard. But... I just think that maybe the legal and physical stuff was only one half of the problem.’ He stroked a hand over Rimmer’s hair. ‘You’re not free from them up _here_ yet, are you?’

 

Rimmer stared up at him. 

 

‘What do you mean?’ he asked.

 

‘You know what I mean. You took the first step but you haven’t really been able to move on from there.’

 

Lister cupped a hand behind Rimmer’s head, looking into his eyes.

 

‘What – you think I’m stalling?’ said Rimmer, continuing to look horrified. ‘Are you disappointed in me?’

 

‘No, no! It’s just – did you ever think – that maybe it’s just not meant to be?’

 

‘So I should just give up? Because I’m such a lost cause I should just throw it all in?’

 

‘No – you’re not a lost cause.’

 

‘Well, that’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? I’ve failed repeatedly and I haven’t got anyone else to blame but myself.’

 

Lister shook his head desperately.

 

‘I’m not _blaming_ you for anything!’ he said. ‘I’m just wondering if this isn’t still more about your parents than you. Even if you did pass the exam and use it to wave it in front of your mother’s face it’s still about _her_ , and not you.’

 

‘I wouldn’t – That’s not – ’

 

Rimmer spluttered for a moment, going pink across the forehead.

 

‘This is about _us_ ,’ he said finally. ‘Lister – I want some stability for us – I know it’s not your plan to push yourself any further in the Space Corps, and so I’m going to need to support us, aren’t I?’

 

Lister blinked.

 

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he asked.

 

‘I just don’t think you’re taking things very seriously.’

 

‘Oh yeah? – What things?’

 

‘Us. Your career. All you want to do is prance about on shore leave drinking and playing games. I’m trying to think of our future together, David!’

 

‘Hey – hey! I’ve told you me plan – what part of “not taking things seriously” does that fall into?’

 

‘Everything! Life isn’t that simple, Lister. You’ve never even _been_ to bloody Fiji.’

 

Lister glared at him. He _wasn’t_ going to let Rimmer destroy his Plan.

 

‘You act so high and mighty, Rimmer – but it’s not like you’re perfect,' he said angrily. 'You don’t make that much of an effort in our relationship outside of the bunkroom.’

 

‘What?!’

 

‘You make no effort with my mates. You barely like going out together in case _other people_ see us.’

 

‘Your “mates” are not my cup of tea, Lister, and I thought you understood that. And as for the other thing – our relationship is no one else’s smegging business!’

 

‘It’s not like all my friends are exactly the same people, Rimmer,’ said Lister angrily. ‘You don’t like Petersen because he’s an “oaf”, you don’t like Selby and Chen because you think they’re hooligans – Fine! But then you can’t take to Kochanski or even Todhunter because apparently they’re up themselves!’

 

‘Oh, Todhunter’s a _friend_ now, is he?’

 

‘Oh, smegging hell.’

 

‘No – I get it, Lister. You’ve got all your mates, and they’re all wondering what you’re doing with a complete no-hoper like me.’

 

‘No – _Rimmer_.’

 

‘So you thought you’d have a little chat to try and stop me from embarrassing you again!’

 

‘The only person getting embarrassed right now is _you_.’

 

‘Too true! I thought my partner respected me and my decisions – but now I find out he’s ashamed of me.’

 

‘I haven’t said anything like!’

 

Rimmer stood suddenly, grabbing up as many books and papers as he could fit under his arm.

 

‘I’m going to study elsewhere,’ he said. ‘I’d appreciate being left to it.’

 

Lister grabbed his arm, and he stiffened.

 

‘Rimmer, _please_.’

 

‘I’d appreciate it.’

 

Lister let go of his arm, and Rimmer stormed out into the corridor.

 

Lister didn’t see him again until gone midnight. He’d brought both of their meals to their room, placing them on the table still littered here and there with Rimmer’s notes. But by the usual time they ate, Rimmer still hadn’t shown up. Lister ate alone, as slowly as he could in the hope that the man would show and they could share their supper together as usual, but he didn’t.

 

When Rimmer finally came back, Lister was still awake. Rimmer ignored him and the chicken dish he’d brought in for him, and Lister lay in the top bunk and listened to the rustle of pages turning, unsure of what to say.

 

 

 

Rimmer didn’t come to Titan with him.

 

They were back on speaking terms, but things were still tense and awkward between them, and Rimmer hadn’t abandoned his plan to retake the test. Lister was at a loss. This was, hands down, the worst argument he’d ever had with a boyfriend. And it was horrible.

 

He’d been so hopeful that he could convince Rimmer to join him on shore leave. He was certain that Rimmer’s obsession with becoming an officer was just being exaggerated by his being stuck on _Red Dwarf_. The dull, grey corridors and being surrounded by uniforms couldn’t be helping the more edgy aspects of his personality, and Lister had intended their holiday on Titan to relax him – and convince him about the Fiji Plan.

 

But it wasn’t to be. Lister took a single room in a cheap hotel, and a couple of days into his stay he met with Kochanski at a bar in one of the quieter areas.

 

She was looking a bit tired and withdrawn when he spotted her resting on her elbows at a little table in an enclosed booth. It was unusual seeing her out of uniform; she was so effortlessly, intimidatingly glamorous, even with her hair slightly ruffled up as though she'd been running her fingers through it.

 

‘You okay?’ he greeted her as he set a large glass of red wine down in front of her.

 

She smiled gratefully up at him, leaning back in her chair so that they could kiss each other’s cheeks before Lister sat down opposite her.

 

‘I’m good,’ she said. ‘We’ve had a few shifts swapped about lately. You?’

 

‘Fine,’ he answered mildly, sipping his lager as he regarded her with a small frown. ‘You sure you’re okay?’

 

‘I’m okay – it’s just – McIntyre’s got worse,’ she said quietly. ‘I don’t think it will be very long now.’

 

‘Smeg,’ said Lister as Kochanski nodded glumly. ‘Poor guy.’

 

‘He’s asked to be brought back as a hologram.’

 

‘He must enjoy his work, then?’

 

Kochanski’s eyes narrowed.

 

‘His expertise is “essential”, according to Hollister,’ she muttered.

 

Lister bit his lip curiously.

 

‘So – they’d bring him back whether he wanted to or not?’ he asked.

 

‘Pretty much. I think he asked just to make it look better.’

 

Lister shivered. He’d never met a hologram before. He’d heard stories of people rejecting them for job interviews – or clientele declining their service, but also by their family members or friends, as ‘not the real thing’, which seemed incredibly hurtful considering they had all the thoughts and memories of the deceased person. He hoped McIntyre wouldn’t suffer the same fate. He was a nice man – a bit higher up and on the wrong sort of shift pattern for Lister to socialise with effectively, but one of the warmer, friendlier crewmembers of his station. Lister made a solid promise with himself to always greet the McIntyre hologram when he passed him – if Kochanski was right in thinking that was the man’s future.

 

‘Smeg,’ he whispered.

 

Kochanski took a rather deep slurp of wine and then put her glass down.

 

‘Are _you_ all right?’ she asked, tilting her head.

 

Lister shrugged.

 

‘Arn’s taking the engineering exam again,’ he said meaningfully.

 

‘Arn?’ Kochanski repeated uncertainly, and then nodded. ‘Oh – _Rimmer_ , I see... How many times is that now?’

 

‘Thirteen? Fourteen?’ Lister stared into his lager moodily. ‘I don’t even know.’

 

‘And you’re worried he’ll fail again – That bothers you?’

 

‘Him failing doesn’t bother _me_. Or – I’d never be disappointed in him for it – how could I be? It’s more I’m disappointed _for_ him because he takes it _so_ hard. It’s like he thinks one smegging exam reflects on his entire existence.’

 

Lister looked up to find Kochanski watching him closely.

 

‘He doesn’t even really revise properly, you know?’ he continued. ‘Not that  _I’m_ any expert – but he faffs about drawing up all these revision timetables and reminders and extra bits, and then crams all the actual work into the last minute. That’s how he ended up in the corridor when we got together. He just totally shags himself out.’

 

‘Is that where he is now; “revising?”’ asked Kochanski.

 

Lister nodded.

 

‘We had a fight over it,’ he replied. ‘I wanted him to be here, but he’s staying on the ship now. Smeg – I’m _worried,_ Kris.’

 

‘What are you worried about?’

 

‘That I’ve screwed this up. That I can’t make him happy anymore.’

 

‘Dave,’ said Kochanski, laying a hand on his. ‘I won’t pretend I know Rimmer that well, but I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone on the ship that you’ve made him _really_ happy. He lights up when he’s around you; he’s less nasty and uptight with people. I swear he even managed a bit of _banter_ with me the other week. I mean, he kind of spoilt it when he misquoted a Space Corps Directive and went off in a huff, but he came close.’

 

‘Thanks,’ said Lister gloomily. ‘But there’s other things. I’ve got this plan for our life together after _Red Dwarf_ , yeah? But he can’t take to it at all. He says it’s “not realistic” and that I’m not taking us seriously. How can he _say_ that?’

 

‘Well, we all have things we want out of life – sometimes they compliment the things our partners want – sometimes they don’t. And he might just have been anxious about the test again.’

 

‘I’ve never had a fight like this. Maybe none of my other relationships were really going places like this one, but it just – I don’t want it to be over!’

 

‘Start from the beginning, sweetie.’

 

Lister relayed the Fiji plan to Kris, and a few of the exchanges with Rimmer he’d had on the subject.

 

‘I know it’s not foolproof yet, but it’s me _plan_ , Kris,’ he finished, waving his hands exasperatedly.

 

Kochanski had taken a few very long sips of her drink throughout his speech, and she finally swallowed with a thoughtful look on her face. Lister’s heart sank. He knew that look – she was going to say something sensible and he’d realise why his plan wasn’t going to work in some way. Rimmer did the same thing, but he was mean about it so Lister would always just brush him off.

 

‘Have you ever worked on a farm before?’ she asked.

 

‘No, but I thought it would be perfect, you know?’ he said cautiously. ‘Lots of sun, relaxing... Watching the animals run around.’

 

‘I’m sure it would be lovely, Dave, but farming _is_ very hard work.’

 

‘ – Not _our_ farm,’ insisted Lister. ‘That’s why we’re only getting one sheep and one cow. And we’re not slaughtering them – we’ll have the sheep for its wool and the cow for its milk and they’ll be really happy on all the land they’ve got.’

 

‘They still require a lot of care, though,’ she said. ‘And – the sheep’s a lovely idea, I’m sure it would be happy, but it’s still round-the-clock care that’s very expensive...’

 

‘And the cow? What’s wrong with me cow?’

 

Kochanski gave him a sympathetic smile.

 

‘It’s just that it’s quite hard getting cows to produce milk without them breeding,’ she said. ‘You need those new hormones, and it takes a long time to get the go ahead for using them. The animal welfare will want to check you’re doing it all properly; that the cow’s happy and healthy.’

 

Lister blinked at her. He hadn’t thought about any of those things. He _did_ want his cow and sheep to be happy; maybe he was asking too much too fast.

 

‘Then we’ll just have the horses,’ he said. ‘But – wait. How will we make money without wool and milk? The horses are expensive – that’s why I was gonna breed them instead of buying them.’

 

‘Riding club?’ Kochanski proffered.

 

Lister deflated, staring unhappily into his cocktail.

 

‘Oh, Dave,’ said Kochanski, putting a hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stamp on your idea. They’re _lovely_ plans – you’re so romantic – I wish I had half your passion.’

 

‘But you’re right,’ said Lister. ‘They’re not realistic at all, are they? I just – the space life isn’t for me, Kris. I like the sun – I like lots of people around. I want somewhere we can raise a family, you know?’

 

Kochanski drummed her fingers on the bar as she watched him.

 

‘Tell you what; Fiji sounds to me like a brilliant _retirement_ plan,’ she said finally. ‘Or maybe a few years down the line when you’ve sorted out what you both want. _If_ you maybe get a bit of farming experience somewhere first. Maybe by then Rimmer will have changed his mind?’

 

‘But what if he _never_ changes his mind?’

 

Kochanski gave him a look.

 

‘You could try taking a break?’ she suggested.

 

‘I don’t _want_ to take a break from him!’ said Lister, upset at the very idea.

 

‘I know – But I don’t necessarily mean soon.’

 

‘I know you don’t. But it’s not that things are that bad – they’re just not – ’ Lister trailed off, searching for the right word.

 

‘Perfect?’ she filled in.

 

‘ – Yeah.’

 

‘People chase perfection their entire lives, Dave. I don’t think anyone truly gets it. At least not forever.’

 

‘So, it’s _useless_ , then?’

 

‘ _No_. You’re just in a grown up relationship now. All that’s happened is the honeymoon period’s worn off and you’re dealing with the reality.’

 

‘But me and Rimmer aren’t even married!’

 

‘No, sweetie, the honeymoon period means the early days of a relationship. Where it’s all excitement and sex and wanting to be around each other all the time.’

 

‘Oh – ’ Lister paused. ‘I mean, it is still _a lot_ sex... What’s wrong with sex?’

 

‘Absolutely nothing. But sex alone doesn’t hold the relationship together. You two have to work at it.’

 

Lister sniffed, thinking over everything she’d said.

 

‘Have I just been really selfish?’ he asked.

 

‘No, Dave,’ said Kochanski affectionately. ‘You can’t help wanting something. It’s just you can’t expect Rimmer to give up his dreams anymore than he can expect you to give up yours. You need to find a compromise.’

 

‘I mean I _did_ push him ‘cause I want him to want the same things I do, but Kris – I’m scared for his mental health! All of this officer stuff is so much about pleasing his family, or getting one over on them.’

 

‘It might not be completely, though. And he _might_ get it this time. I won’t lie to you, there could be some really difficult decisions for you two to make down the line, but it’s nothing unusual for a couple.’

 

‘That’s what I’m scared of.’ Lister sighed. ‘You’re right, though.’

 

‘You really, really love him, don’t you?’ Kochanski said gently, looking awed.

 

‘So much, Kris. I don’t even know how it happened.' Lister bit his lip. 'He’s still not really talking to me.’

 

‘Hm... maybe get him a present?’ Kochanski drummed her fingers on the table. ‘Something nice that shows you’re sorry about the fight, but also really committed to him?’

 

Lister gave her a small smile and nodded, downing the rest of his lager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone reading this! Hope this chapter's okay <3


	4. Frankenstein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intent on making things up with Rimmer, Lister takes Kochanski's advice and purchases a gift for him that may be more trouble than it's worth.

Lister realised that it had probably been unwise to purchase a cat whilst drunk and emotional, when he was finally back on _Red Dwarf_ in his and Rimmer’s bunkroom, watching his new pet sniffing around the place.

 

He'dsobered himself up to the point where he’d been able to remember to check the cat was healthy and clean before buying her. All he recalled of the transaction was the salesman saying, ‘She’s pregnant. But I’ll give you her for the price of _one_ cat. What do you say?’

 

‘That’s a really good bargain, isn’t it?’ Lister had said.

 

‘That it is, son.’

 

Lister smiled and made kissing noises at Frankenstein (so named because that was the in-flight movie that had been playing on the _White Midget_ that brought them back) as she wandered past him to investigate a table leg. He’d always wanted a cat, but his grandmother hadn’t wanted an animal she could trip over or that might piss everywhere. Now that he had one, and with the last of the alcohol clearing his system, he realised he’d possibly underestimated how complicated this might get.

 

It was highly likely that Rimmer would freak out.

 

But the cat _was_ his present, after all. Lister had decided against knitting him a nice jumper or cardigan for now, because Rimmer didn’t really wear normal clothes, even on days off; that was why Lister hadn’t bothered to make him a jumper or a scarf for Christmas. It never got that cold on board, anyway. But in his drunken mind, he’d remembered that Rimmer liked dogs, but one of those would be too difficult to conceal on _Red Dwarf_. But a cat was on the same kindof level as a dog, wasn’t it? Furry, cute and sociable. They were more independent, though, and Lister already decided how he was going to do most of it. He’d been sensible enough to smuggle some Eternal-Refresh cat litter on board, and had fashioned her a nice bed out of an old pillow. He would have to keep her concealed in the air ducts for the most part. Fortunately, they had an opening to one such duct in their quarters.

 

Now he just had to think of how he was going to break this to Rimmer. He didn’t want to tell him without having the cat to show him immediately. Frankenstein was his leverage in case Rimmer got a common sense attack and went off on one. Lister would have an easier time getting him used to the idea with a cute, fluffy cat they could both sit and pet while he explained. Surely the moment Rimmer _saw_ her, there was no way he’d be able to resist her little face. But... perhaps it would be better to wait until after Rimmer’s exam. He didn’t want to give the guy another thing to fret over when he needed to concentrate.

 

Maybe if he did a really nice card, with a photograph of the cat on the front of it, thought Lister? What could he write on the card: _Congratulations, Rimmer. We’ve got a cat and we’re having another one in a few weeks_? Maybe not. But a card might be nice – then he could show him what the cat looked like if she wasn’t around at the time. And then they could sit and talk everything through.

 

Lister picked the cat up and walked over to the screen above the sink. He set it to camera mode, and grinned stupidly as it let out several electronic snaps, cradling Frankenstein in his arms like she was a baby. When several photos had been taken, he set her down, and retrieved the little memory stick on the wall beside the screen. He kissed it, and pocketed it as the cat wound around his legs. He paused, looking down at her.

 

What he hadn’t considered, was that even _if_ Rimmer took to Frankenstein, they couldn’t really keep her hidden if they remained in space after this voyage. He felt rather guilty; he really hadn’t thought this through enough. But he wouldn’t let his mistake hurt her or her baby. If Rimmer still wasn’t into the Fiji plan when they reached Earth, Lister would take shore leave and find her a good home.

 

After feeding Frankenstein, he went to the air duct outlet, unscrewed the bolts on one side of the mesh that covered it, and opened it. Carefully, he climbed into the duct, carrying the cat litter and a metal tray, crawling as far as he could stand it. It was dark, but there were enough patches of light here and there, and he could envision how the tunnels spread for miles around the entire ship. It was making him feel a bit sick, so he awkwardly poured out the cat litter into the tray as fast as he could manage. He spilled a little over the sides, but he knew that shouldn’t bother her. This cat litter was expensive stuff, and eventually disintegrated _everything_ a cat put out. He backed out of the tunnel hastily, and found the cat peering in through the opening curiously. He climbed out, scooped her up and placed her into the duct. It was nice and warm and dry inside there, and she chirped agreeably, before scampering off along the duct.

 

‘Bye, Frankie!’ he called after her, and loosely screwed the mesh back over the outlet.

 

He felt like laughing – Rimmer was going to be _so_ mad. But he was sure he’d come round.

 

When the man himself came back just before dinnertime, he paused when he spotted Lister sitting at the table in their quarters.

 

‘Hi,’ said Lister, feeling a bit shy all of a sudden as he sat up in his chair and smiled at him.

 

Rimmer looked as neat and formal as ever, his expression unreadable.

 

‘ – Hi,’ he said. ‘Did you have a nice time?’

 

Lister shrugged. ‘It was all right. How’s your revision going?’

 

‘Good. Good.’ Rimmer folded his hands together, nodding sharply.

 

Lister stood, taking a step towards him.

 

‘I really missed you,’ he said quietly.

 

‘God, me too,’ said Rimmer, his posture and expression relaxing as he held his arms out.

 

Lister went to him, closing his eyes as he was enveloped in Rimmer’s warmth.

 

 ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, voice slightly muffled in Rimmer’s shoulder. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you, like.’

 

‘No – _I_ am. I shouldn’t have... What I said was unfair.’

 

‘Nah, I was being selfish. I understand what that exam means to you.’

 

Rimmer kissed Lister’s temple, gently massaging his hands against his lower back.

 

‘I suppose we should have talked to each other about our plans,’ he said.

 

‘Because this is an _adult_ relationship,’ said Lister wisely, thinking back to his talk with Kochanski. ‘We needed a compromise.’

 

‘What are you on about, you gimboid?’

 

‘Nothing.’

 

‘God, this week was smegging miserable without you.’

 

‘Same.’

 

‘What did you get up to?’

 

‘Mm – drinking. Thinking.’

 

Rimmer pulled away to look into his eyes.

 

‘Is that safe?’

 

‘Cheeky,’ said Lister, lightly slapping Rimmer’s chest.

 

‘What were you thinking about?’ Rimmer was smiling, but there was nervousness in his face and voice.

 

‘Good things,’ said Lister, squeezing him reassuringly around the middle. ‘Just about us – about how far we’ve come and stuff, you know?’

 

‘Yeah?’

 

‘Can you believe how bad things were before we got together? I mean – no wonder everyone thought we were crazy when we did.’

 

‘You were an annoying little twerp,’ said Rimmer, kissing his cheek. ‘Still are.’

 

‘Are you happy with me, though?’ asked Lister seriously.

 

‘More than you’ll ever know,’ said Rimmer. ‘Listy – I know you probably think I’d be happy if _anyone_ looked my way – I mean... of course that’s nice. It’s always nice when someone likes you. Not that many people have... What I’m trying to say is I’m not with you because I don’t have any other choices.’

 

‘You don’t make me think that,’ said Lister imploringly. ‘It’s just – I know you have unresolved issues with your past. I know that smeg doesn’t just disappear because your life gets better later on. I don’t... I just... sometimes I see you thinking about it – about _them_ – and still hurting so much and I just wish I could help you.’

 

Rimmer opened his mouth and then hesitated. He was staring into Lister’s face with a look of pure fascination.

 

‘No one _talked_ the way you do when I was growing up...’ he said finally. ‘In that house, if you were hurt or upset you were welcome to go and torment the smallest and youngest member of the household until you felt better... and my parents never did have that fifth child.’

 

‘Was there _never_ anybody else?’

 

‘There was Dennis the gardener – Dungo Dennis. Complete fool... but he was kind to me. Used to let me sit with him if I wanted to hide from my brothers. Always said hello – smiled at me if he saw me.’

 

‘He sounds nice.’

 

‘Yes, he was. Now I look back – he was just so decent and _normal_. God knows what he was doing working for a family like mine. But, no – apart from him there’s no one else I can think of.’

 

Lister frowned, wanting to cry in frustration and rage.

 

‘You do know it’s your family who are the freaks, and not you, don’t you?’ he said passionately. ‘I can’t understand _anyone_ who would do those things to a kid.’

 

‘ – Me neither. Countless times I’ve tried to put myself into my father’s boots – to understand what he was trying to do for us. I know children can be irritating – but he clearly wanted them... so – why?’

 

‘Sounds like he was disturbed – not that that’s an excuse for what happened to you – or for the rest of your family’s crap.’

 

‘I’ve always longed to make him proud. I can’t help myself. Always wanted to be the best of him.’

 

Lister pressed several kisses to the corner of Rimmer’s mouth as they embraced properly again.

 

‘Rimmer... ’ he said, pulling away to look him in the eye, ‘you _are_ the best of your father. And your mother.’

 

Rimmer stared at him, like he thought Lister was being deliberately stupid.

 

‘My brothers are the successful ones,’ he said. ‘They have the careers and the money.’

 

‘So? Are they nice people?’

 

‘But what does “nice” really count for?’

 

‘Everything. _Everything_. You can be as successful and rich as you like, but nobody _really_ wants you around if you’re not a decent human being. You’ve met with them a few times since growing up; do you think they’re happy?’

 

‘...Well – they’ve got what they want, haven’t they? They're plenty smug around me, I can tell you.’

 

‘But are they _happy?’_

 

‘I... don’t – ’

 

‘You mentioned one of your brothers is married... which one was it – John?’

 

‘Frank.’

 

‘Well? Do you think it’s a happy relationship?’

 

‘I should think so – Janine’s fantastic.’

 

Lister tried to look disapproving, but couldn’t contain his smirk.

 

‘Okay – fair enough, so you think they love each other, then?’ he asked.

 

‘Well – I don’t really know. Frank’s rather protective of her... She doesn’t strike me as a social climber. She’s always really lovely to me when we meet... and it’s not like she _has_ to be.’

 

‘So, let’s guess that they are happy, then. And maybe that’s because _Frank’s_ lovely to her, too.’

 

‘None of my brother’s names and the word “lovely” belong in the same sentence, Lister.’

 

‘I know. I just mean that – if she’s this really nice person, and they’ve found happiness, then I’ll bet you it’s because Frank’s realised he was severely lacking in the personality department.’

 

Rimmer shook his head doubtfully.

 

‘Frank’s very charming, though,' he said bitterly. 'Like all the rest of them.’

 

‘If Janine’s such a smart girl, then “charming” won’t cut it. I’m telling you.’

 

‘I’m still not – ’

 

‘So you’re not where you’d like to be, but you’re still trying. And you’re trying in your own space and on your own terms – you got away from an unhealthy environment. _You_ still want to better yourself. _You_ , Arnold, are the best possible result to come from that family.’

 

‘I – well... _Thank you_.’

 

‘You really get what I’m trying to say?’

 

‘I’m not exactly convinced... But I am convinced I love you.’

 

‘Smooth git.’

 

‘Mm-hmm.’

 

‘I love you too.’

 

They kissed languidly, touching each other reverently at first, before things began to get a little heavier. Soon, they were pulling at each other’s clothes.

 

They ended up lying on their sides on Rimmer’s bunk, Lister behind Rimmer, leg hooked over the other man’s hip as he thrust into him slowly.

 

‘Yes... yes...’ Rimmer groaned, pushing back onto Lister’s cock.

 

Lister closed his eyes, nuzzling at the smooth skin on Rimmer’s back. He slid a hand down Rimmer’s torso, quickly finding the man’s rock hard erection and gently encircling it. He pumped it gently, his fist gliding up and down it easily due to the lube still clinging to his fingers. Rimmer gasped and surged forward into the grip as Lister picked up the speed of his hips and hand. Lister panted loudly against him, wishing he was that bit taller so he could kiss Rimmer in this position. He settled instead for craning his neck up, so he could nibble and lick at Rimmer’s shoulder.

 

‘God – _Dave_!’ yelled Rimmer, shaking and coming all over the bed and Lister’s hand.

 

Lister keened as the tightness pressed even harder around his cock, thrusting wildly against Rimmer’s arse until he came inside him rapidly.

 

As the aftershocks wore off and Lister came to, still clinging to Rimmer and breathing heavily, he pressed a kiss to the back of Rimmer’s neck, and then shifted to pull away from him. Rimmer liked to clean up before a cuddle, particularly when he’d been fucked.

 

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Rimmer throatily, clapping a hand down on Lister’s thigh to stop him from lifting it off him. ‘Stay. Just for a moment.’

 

Lister gladly relaxed again and snuggled against him, grinning dopily. They were going to be all right, he thought. All he needed was the perfect day to tell Rimmer about the cat, unless Frankenstein decided to announce herself before then, in which case he’d just have to face the music.

 

 

 

The day before Rimmer’s exam, he and Lister were on Z-Shift, doing repairs.

 

‘Right,’ said Rimmer as they reached a rather grotty dispensing machine. ‘Corridor 159.’

 

He ticked a box on the chart held by his clipboard, and Lister picked up his fried chicken from the service trolley and wandered over to have a look. Rimmer didn’t react, simply noting down their whereabouts with perhaps more words than was necessary. The repairs charts were really more of a tick and cross deal, but Rimmer liked to annotate almost everything he did in his loopy script.

 

‘You have lovely writing,’ said Lister, waving the chicken up and down over Rimmer’s notes. ‘Pretty.’

 

‘My handwriting isn’t “pretty,” Lister. Neat and well formed, perhaps, but – pretty? Certainly not.’

 

‘It is – look.' Lister took a bite and covered his mouth as he chewed. 'It’s all swirly and artistic.’

 

‘Not at all. Flowing and confident.’

 

‘Beautiful, then.’

 

‘Nope! Smart. _Professional_.’

 

‘ _Pr-etty_.’

 

‘Right, that’s it.’ Rimmer stood up straight, forcing Lister to pull away. ‘Mocking a senior technician’s handwriting is a serious offense.’

 

‘ _Oh, dear_.’ Lister folded his food into its carton and placed in back on the trolley.

 

‘A very serious offence.’

 

‘Is it?’

 

‘That’s right. I should really put you on report.’

 

Lister licked his lips and looked up at Rimmer beneath lowered eyelids.

 

‘But – ’ Rimmer continued, gaze flicking to his mouth. ‘I wouldn’t want to inconvenience any of our superiors. I shall have to discipline you myself.’

 

‘I’m sorry, sir,’ said Lister, bringing his thumb up to his mouth to worry on it lightly with his teeth.

 

‘So you should be. It’s a thorough seeing-to in the bottom bunk for you, miladdo. But first we have work to do. Dispenser 172.’

 

‘You not gonna write it down, sir?’

 

‘That’s where you’re wrong, Lister.’ Rimmer reached into the breast pocket of his jacket and retrieved a little notepad. He rested it against the clipboard as he wrote across a fresh page. ‘There we are; D. Lister, Third Technician. Disciplinary action for ridiculing a senior technician’s handwriting. Place of discipline: senior technician’s bunk. Good enough for you?’

 

‘Uh-huh,’ said Lister, nodding approvingly.

 

‘Anything else you’d like me to note down?’

 

‘Yeah – spanking recommended.’

 

Rimmer’s nostrils flared at Lister’s audacity, but he jotted down the suggestion .

 

 

 

Lister’s backside was still rather sensitive when he awoke the next morning. Beneath his clothes, his skin was also ink-smeared from where Rimmer’s exam notes had transferred onto him during the sex.

 

The night before, they’d attended George McIntyre’s welcome back celebrations. He’d died two days earlier, and been resurrected as a hologram. It had been nice to see him sitting up at the front with the rest of the senior crew for the first time in weeks, but then Lister recalled Kochanski’s words on the matter and felt decidedly creeped out. It seemed life was to go on as usual.

 

Lister rolled over to see Rimmer pacing up and down, reciting his notes to himself. He smiled up at him from the bed. He’d been more openly supportive of Rimmer’s decision to retake the astro-navs since he returned to the ship. He’d been bringing him his meals so that he could continue revising in the privacy of their bunkroom, encouraged him to keep studying and then rewarding him with bouts of sex afterwards. He’d also decided that if Rimmer failed again, he could present him with Frankenstein to cheer him up, but if he passed, she could be a congratulatory gift.

 

Holly had picked up Frankenstein’s life form on board, which wasn’t good, Lister knew, but if she remained in the hold then eventually the scanners might assume she was just another one of the many rats the Captain liked to pretend they didn’t have. Frankenstein was turning out to be less of a pet and more of an occasional guest. She _had_ to have found food somewhere else; the rats, maybe. She must have been one hell of a hunter, though.

 

Lister’s photographs of her were taking a long time to come back from the lab.

 

Rimmer finally began pulling on his JMC overalls; covering the white top and shorts, as well as the smudgy writing all over his pale skin.

 

‘Good luck, babe,’ said Lister, still naked as he stood to kiss him. ‘Love ya.’

 

‘It’s all right, Listy,’ said Rimmer, when he pulled away and fastened the overalls. ‘I’m in complete and total control. But – thank you.’

 

Clean, fed, covered in notes and well sexed, Rimmer was as relaxed as he could possibly be. Despite the doubt in his heart, Lister acknowledged the chance that he might actually succeed this time, and laughed as the man gave his bare arse a squeeze before leaving.

 

Frankenstein made an unexpected appearance then, and Lister gave her some milk and a cuddle until she fought free of his arms and disappeared back into the duct. Lister went back to bed.

 

A little while later, the tannoy system rang out and Holly’s voice filled the room, waking him.

 

‘Would Dave Lister please report to the Captain’s Office,’ he said in his dry tones.

 

A feeling of dread came upon Lister then. He told himself to keep calm; there could be any number of reasons why Hollister wanted to see him. It could be about his smoking and eating in inappropriate places, or that unfortunate time Todhunter walked in on him and Rimmer snogging by one of the posh dispensers. He thought back to his repeated visits to the headmaster’s office when he was at school. It would be nice to have his Gran there now to terrorise Hollister into being kind to him. Still, he quickly dressed and put on a casual exterior before leaving his quarters and heading to the Drive Room.

 

He waved at Kochanski as he passed the navigation area, and she winked at him.

 

‘You asked to see me, Captain?’ Lister asked as he turned into Hollister’s office.

 

Seated behind his desk, Captain Hollister looked up at him with resigned aggravation.

 

‘Where’s the cat?’ he said calmly.

 

All the blood drained from Lister’s face.

 

Smeg.

 

He’d fucked everything.

 

Hollister ordered him into stasis for refusing to turn over Frankenstein. Stasis for the remainder of the voyage. After Lister swore that Rimmer knew nothing of the cat, while still desperately trying to make out he didn’t either, Hollister well and truly lost his temper. Lister begged him to reduce the duration of his punishment – agreeing to go without pay for the remainder of the trip, but reasoning that he _couldn’t_ leave Rimmer all alone for eighteen months. It wasn’t until – to his horror – he began to cry, that Hollister told him he might consider releasing him for some personal time in just a few short months.

 

‘But you’ll be straight back into stasis after that,’ he said, watching uneasily as Lister wiped at his eyes. ‘You know the rules, Lister. You _chose_ to break them. And I’d be lying if I said you weren’t already a troublemaker. I’ll give you an hour to say your goodbyes.’

 

‘But Rimmer’s doing the engineering exam now, sir.’

 

‘Well, it should be finishing in forty-five minutes. I suggest you sort out your possessions first and then you might have some time left.’

 

Lister was numb as he was escorted back to his quarters, unable to even stop by Kochanski and tell her what was happening.

 

He stared around his and Rimmer's quarters, trying not to cry again. What had he done? How could he have been so stupid? He’d ruined everything. Rimmer would never forgive him for this.

 

‘Record,’ he said to the screen above the sink.

 

He took a few deep breaths and wiped at his eyes before moving closer to the camera.

 

‘Arn,’ he said softly. ‘You might’ve already found out, but they’ve put me into stasis for eighteen months. The cat was for you. I thought you’d like her, to show you I was serious about us, and I had this plan for when we reached Earth... but I guess I’ll tell you about it when I’m out. If you still want to see me, that is. Please don’t be too angry. I’m so sorry to leave you on your own, but I can’t let them kill her. Not when it’s my fault she’s here in the first place. She’s hidden really well so don’t bother trying to find her. The Captain says I might be allowed out a bit sooner to see you. They haven’t given me a date, but I’ll ask someone to tell you when. And I’m sorry I had to leave a message. You’re still in the exam and they won’t let me wait any longer to tell you to your face.’ He swallowed, eyes watering. ‘Please don’t hurt yourself trying to get those smegging astro-navs. You need to take better care of yourself, Arn. I hope everything goes okay today. But I’m proud of you whatever happens – for trying. I love you. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.’

 

Lister tidied a few of his things away as best he could, and secured the screws of the mesh over the ducting tightly. He may have smegged up his and Rimmer’s lives, but Frankenstein would be safe. He’d find her and her baby when he was out and try and get her to safety. He then sat at the desk and wrote out a couple of letters and pocketed them.

 

It was Todhunter who collected him from his quarters.

 

‘I’m sorry this has happened, Dave,’ said Todhunter sympathetically as they walked along, putting a hand on Lister’s back. ‘No one wants to go through with it.’

 

‘I can handle it,’ said Lister, turning away from Todhunter’s reach. He felt a bit guilty being so cold with the guy, but then remembered Rimmer had often complained he thought Todhunter was too familiar with him. He didn’t want _anyone_ touching him except Rimmer.

 

As they walked towards the Teaching Room, Lister saw him – on a stretcher – being wheeled out. He swore and ran over to him.

 

‘Rimmer?! Arn! You okay?’ he asked frantically, placing a hand on Rimmer’s shoulder.

 

The medics guiding the stretcher stopped moving.

 

‘I think I did quite well!’ said Rimmer, his grin light and vague.

 

‘Wait – weren’t _you_ overseeing the exam today?’ Lister asked Todhunter, rounding on him.

 

‘I was – yes,’ said Todhunter with a sigh. ‘I’m afraid Rimmer passed out almost immediately. I was hoping he might be reasonably coherent by now, but he’ll have to recover in the Medi-bay for a few hours.’

 

‘Yes, I’m really sorry, but I think we should get him there as soon as possible,’ said the older medic at the front of the stretcher.

 

‘Look, Arn,’ said Lister, turning to Rimmer quickly. ‘They’re putting me into stasis. I won’t see you again for a long time.’

 

‘Actually,’ cut in Todhunter, ‘he won’t see _you_ for a long time. You see, you’re not going to notice time passing at all – ’

 

Lister rolled his eyes, and pressed a soft kiss to Rimmer’s temple.

 

‘I love you,’ he whispered. ‘I’m so sorry.’

 

Todhunter fell into silence behind him, and Rimmer just made a small whining noise. Sniffing, Lister nodded at the medics, and they pulled Rimmer away.

 

He and Todhunter continued down White Corridor 159, towards the stasis booth at the end of it. Todhunter was annoyingly cheerful as he further explained the ins and outs of stasis. According to him Lister wouldn’t be at all lonely... but it was little consolation for Lister when he knew that  _Rimmer_ would be.

 

‘Todhunter – ’ Lister began when the man finally stopped talking. ‘ _Frank_ – I know you don’t get on with Rimmer and all... but I was wondering if when they know I’ll be allowed out... could you tell him? Please?’

 

Todhunter looked surprised by the question, but he nodded.

 

‘Of course I can, Dave,’ he said. ‘It’s no trouble at all.’

 

‘I know he can be a smeg-head and all, but please go easy on him if he says or does anything stupid, yeah? He can’t always help himself.’

 

Todhunter raised an eyebrow.

 

‘He’s a lucky man to be so loved,’ he said.

 

‘He’s a good person underneath all the other stuff.’

 

‘If you say so, Dave.’

 

‘And – I’m sorry to ask you another favour, but I don’t think I’ll see anyone else.’ Lister reached into his trouser pocket and retrieved the two slightly bent letters. ‘Would you be able to give these to Kristine Kochanski and Olaf Petersen?’

 

Todhunter took the letters from him.

 

‘You might still have some time if you want to hand them over yourself?’ he said.

 

Lister shook his head, swallowing. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing either of his friend’s faces when they found out – Kochanski's disappointment in him would be too much.

 

‘No problem,’ said Todhunter, seeming to understand. ‘I’ll deliver them.’

 

‘Thanks, man,’ said Lister, nodding at him.

 

‘Let’s do this, then.’ Todhunter opened the stasis booth door, and Lister reluctantly stepped through. It was a close space, but white and bright, and when Lister turned around he had a perfect view of the corridor. ‘See you in eighteen months. Hopefully less.’

 

Todhunter closed the door and sealed it, and Lister waved at him through the little window, until he noticed a little green button marked ‘open’ flashing at him. He pressed it, wondering if something was wrong, and he heard the seal on the door unwind and it swung back open.

 

‘Good morning, Dave,’ said Holly. ‘It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.’

 

Wait – that was _it_ , thought Lister? He’d expected everything to go dark or cold or something. It hadn’t felt remotely like a sleep at all. But sure enough, there was no sign of Todhunter, and he’d literally just been _there_.

 

‘Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing,’ said Holly.

 

Looking up and down the deserted corridor, Lister felt his heart sink. If the months were up, and Rimmer wasn’t here waiting for him... then perhaps it really was over. Maybe he’d finally passed his exams, and was celebrating right now. Lister would find him. Find him and apologise... Unless he didn’t _know_ Lister was out, or had to be at work?

 

As he walked into the empty Teaching Room, he felt a small glimmer of hope return.

 

‘Where is everybody, Hol?’ he asked.

 

‘They’re dead, Dave.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone reading this! Lister is so silly.


	5. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister finds out what has happened since he's been away, and how much time has actually passed. This is a time for goodbyes.

Dead?

 

Everyone was dead?

 

Lister wandered unsteadily through the ship as Holly confirmed that, yes – Rimmer, Kochanski, Petersen, Selby, Chen and Todhunter were all, indeed – dead. The Captain, the officers, the technicians, the cleaning and catering staff were all gone too. He was numb as Holly explained how it had happened; and just how much time had gone by.

 

It didn’t make any sense. He’d literally just gone into the stasis booth, waved his hand, walked out, and now everyone on _Red Dwarf_  was gone except him? Surely Holly had made some mistake? Had a blip on the radar. An error. Lost his memory. Maybe it had been three million _seconds_ , not years. Could Holly have malfunctioned and everyone had just jumped ship for now until it was safe?

 

Lister arrived at the Drive Room, still expecting to see it full of all the officers, but it was empty. All that was left of everyone were little heaps of white powder. He stood in the doorway, looking about.

 

‘Is this a prank, Holly?’ he asked, voice echoing strangely in the deserted space. ‘...Or – you couldn’t have made a mistake, maybe?’

 

‘I wish that were the case, Dave,’ said Holly grimly.

 

Lister nodded dumbly, walking into the room and taking a seat at the main workstation. He swivelled around in the chair leisurely for a moment, until he was facing a seat across from him that he’d often approached for conversation.

 

‘Who’s that?’ he asked with mounting dread, nodding to it.

 

‘Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski,’ replied Holly.

 

‘Oh, _eh_ – Not Krissie!’

 

‘I’m afraid so, Dave.’

 

‘And what about Arn?’ Lister sat up frantically. ‘Where’s Rimmer?!’

 

‘There.’

 

Lister looked up to see Holly nodding to the centre of the room, where two little white piles stood out clearly on the dark grey floor. ‘Beside Captain Hollister.’

 

Lister collapsed back into the chair again.

 

‘What was he doing in here?’ he asked softly, staring at the little heap.

 

‘Explaining to the Captain why he’d failed to fix a drive plate correctly.’

 

Lister frowned.

 

‘ – What was he doing fixing a drive plate?’ he asked.

 

‘He’d been ordered to by Captain Hollister.’

 

‘ _Why_?’

 

‘Blimey, you _are_ full of questions, aren’t you?’

 

‘ _Holly_ , man! Have a heart, I’m in shock here. I need to make sense of all of this.’

 

Holly gave him a tight, sympathetic smile.

 

‘Sorry, Dave,’ he said. ‘I’ve been on my own so long. Think I’ve gone peculiar. Rimmer – he was your boyfriend, wasn’t he?’

 

‘Yeah.’ Lister nodded.

 

‘Ah, I’m sorry, Dave.’

 

‘He was part of me plan. He was gonna come with me to Fiji and work on the farm. I was gonna get him a big white horse to ride on, and put him in charge of all the animals.’

 

‘Oh, _great plan_ , Lister,’ came Rimmer’s voice.

 

Lister whirled around in the chair. Rimmer was standing before him, right in front of the entrance. Lister launched himself up and ran at him, arms out, but right when they should have touched, he found his body just kept going. He staggered awkwardly and ended up tumbling to the floor. He shook himself as he rolled over and sat up.

 

Rimmer was still in a braced pose from where he’d expected the impact, too, and was now stroking a hand over his own chest in disturbed realisation. It was then that Lister noticed the silver H upon his forehead.

 

‘Arn, you’re a hologram!’ exclaimed Lister, gawping at him.

 

‘I know, Lister,’ said Rimmer stiffly, lowering his hand. ‘It’s because I’m dead. Oh – God. I’m _dead_.’

 

Lister swallowed, getting to his feet slowly as he circled around Rimmer.

 

‘Holly,’ he said in a small voice. ‘Rimmer’s a hologram.’

 

‘I know, Dave,’ said Holly kindly. ‘Can’t leave you on your own, can we? Arnold is the ship’s new hologram; resurrected from just seconds before the accident as it happens.’

 

Lister stopped circling, but continued to stare as Rimmer scrutinised his own hands, his clothes, and then that big, shiny H.

 

 ‘ – What’s it like?’ he asked him gently.

 

‘Being dead?’ replied Rimmer, after a moment. ‘It’s – fine, Listy.’ He relaxed, his expression becoming almost nonchalant. ‘Feels almost exactly the same – I think.’ His face fell, and he looked down at the floor. ‘But I can’t touch anything.’

 

Lister nodded, swallowing.

 

‘Okay. That’s okay.’

 

Rimmer’s head snapped up to glare at him.

 

‘No,’ he said, pointing at him. ‘It’s not okay, miladdo! You have some serious explaining to do! You left me!’

 

Lister blinked. And then he got upset.

 

‘I didn’t!’ he protested. ‘I swear I didn’t!’

 

‘Didn’t you? Well, I must have imagined working and going to bed on my own for the last three weeks – in fact, what am I talking about? Of course I have! I’m a useless hologram – it’s all just smegging memory files, isn’t it? It’s not real!’

 

‘Of course it’s real!’ Lister stepped close, horrified by what he was hearing. He glanced back at Holly’s screen, and the computer gave him a pair of raised eyebrows in pity. He went to grab Rimmer’s arm to steer him out and away to the semi-privacy of the corridors, but his hand went right through it.

 

Rimmer glanced down and then back up at Lister’s face with a wounded look.

 

‘I’m sorry,’ said Lister pleadingly, gesturing to the door. ‘Please – let’s go out here.’

 

They walked out into the long, winding halls of the ship, side by side.

 

‘I just can’t believe this,’ Rimmer was grumbling as they were nearing the Teaching Room area. ‘The first time in my life I’m happy, my boyfriend takes off, and I get an nuclear explosion in the face!’

 

‘Arn, please,’ said Lister. ‘I begged the Captain to let me stay. I said I’d forfeit all my pay – even me savings if he’d keep me out of stasis! But he wouldn’t have any of it!’

 

‘You don’t know what it was like. I came to in the Medi-bay with Frank _Smegging_ Todhunter standing over me with this patronising look on his face. Not only was I told that I’d failed my exams again, but I was then informed that you’d brought a cat on board. He was so _superior_ the way he spoke, too. I don’t think he or anyone else truly believed that I had nothing to do with it. I told him there must be some mistake, because surely _my_ boyfriend wouldn’t have done anything so _stupid_.  And then I had to return to our empty quarters. Alone.’

 

Lister stopped, looking up at Rimmer, eyes watering.

 

‘Oh, babe,’ he murmured.

 

‘...I got your message,’ said Rimmer, his eyes and voice softening. ‘God, is this really happening?’ He looked down at himself and then back at Lister. ‘Did I really lose you for some mangy, dirty – ?’

 

At that moment, Rimmer was cut off when a strange man spun his way into sight at the end of the corridor, screeching at the top of his lungs.

 

Lister leapt nearly a foot off the floor, halting where he was as Rimmer gasped. Lister and Rimmer took one look at each other, and then ran.

 

Backing their way into the Teaching Room, Lister suddenly gave a cry of fright as his legs came into contact with something, but found it was just one of the metal tables. He was trying to place if he’d ever seen the strange man before, but couldn’t. Also – was it his imagination or had the guy been wearing a rather flashy pink suit? Or had he gone mad, he wondered? Was all of this some crazy, post-stasis hallucination?

 

‘Holly what _was_ that?!’ he asked shakily.

 

‘During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were safely sealed in the hold, and they’ve been breeding there for three million years,' Holly explained calmly.

 

Lister sighed, moving to lie down across two of the tables as Holly continued.

 

‘They’ve evolved into the life form you just saw in the corridor.’

 

‘I don’t get it,’ said Lister, shaking his head. Everything was just too much today.

 

‘Well, you know how mankind evolved from apes? He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats, he’s descended from cats – he is a cat.’

 

‘AAAOOW!’

 

Lister jumped again as Rimmer yelped and darted away from the door. The stranger was back, yowling and spinning in the doorway. The guy was dressed to the nines, and looked totally out of place inside the grey, industrial interior of the mining ship.

 

His howling stopped abruptly when he spotted Lister and Rimmer, and stared at the pair of them.

 

‘...Hello,’ said Lister tentatively, ‘ – cat?’

 

‘Stand back, Lister!’ Rimmer mumbled to him out of the corner of his mouth, and then let out a high-pitched cry and lunged at the man, only to fall straight through him.

 

The man – or cat – whirled around at the strange, intangible collision, and then beamed back at Lister, seeming delighted with himself, as though Rimmer’s failure to hurt him was somehow of his own doing.

 

  
A cat, thought Lister? Maybe he could believe it.

 

 

It took a while to persuade, not the Cat (so-named by Lister, as it turned out Cat didn’t have a name accessible to humans), but Rimmer, to allow their new crewmate to return with them to their bunkroom.

 

Along the way, the Cat boasted that he’d discovered two 'monkeys' - Lister and Rimmer. He showed the most interest in Lister, probably because he had an organic scent, although he loudly proclaimed he’d be able to sniff out Rimmer’s ‘sparky smell’ from miles away. When they reached the bunkroom, the Cat rushed about sniffing and examining everything as Rimmer protested.

 

‘Put that down!’ he snapped, as the Cat picked up one of Rimmer’s textbooks by the cover, between thumb and forefinger as though he thought it might be dirty.

 

The Cat grinned at him, his sharp white teeth bright against his dark brown skin, and he dropped the book on the floor.

 

‘ – No!’ Rimmer gave Lister an apoplectic glance before looking back at the Cat. ‘Pick that up!’

 

‘Heeey, do you want it up or down, No-can-touch-man?’ hollered the Cat, and shuffled his feet around the table in a graceful dance.

 

‘...Just keep your hands to yourself, do you hear me?’ said Rimmer, stalking forwards to snatch the book up, before remembering he couldn’t and gesturing irritably.

 

As Lister swapped his shirt for a plain white vest and his JMC jacket, the Cat rifled through Lister’s wardrobe (all still there, after all this time) with a look of open revulsion and disappointment. Afterwards, Lister gave him milk with Rice Krispies (a favourite of the Cat’s, according to Holly), and asked him about the rest of his people.

 

The Cat, it turned out, was the only one of his kind left on the ship. Lister immediately felt sorry for him, although the guy didn’t look to be going through any kind of personal crisis over the fact. It _seemed_ that he could have been quite happy living out most of his life with a glass of milk and a mirror, but Lister suspected he was actually quite thrilled to have company.

 

Lister thought the guy was kind of adorable. In a very different way to how adorable Rimmer was being right now. All the way back, Rimmer constantly tried to put himself between Lister and the Cat, which only goaded the Cat into giving Lister gentle little prods, and pulls on his clothes. While the Cat had been going through Lister’s wardrobe, and as he sat and ate now, Rimmer glowered over the scene.

 

‘I want it off the ship!’ Rimmer was snarling, watching the Cat stick his face into the bowl of Rice Krispies and milk distrustfully.

 

‘ _No_ ,’ said Lister, smiling indulgently at the Cat. ‘He’s coming home with us, aren’t you, Cat?’

 

‘Home?' repeated Rimmer. 'And where’s _home_ , exactly?’

 

‘Erm, _Earth_?’

 

‘Earth? What makes you think there’ll be an Earth? And even if there was, what are the people going to make of _us_? We’re dinosaurs. We’re extinct – we’ve got nothing!’

 

‘Hey, hey!’ Lister walked over to Rimmer. ‘I’ve still got me plan. I’ve got me boyfriend.’ He gestured at him, and Rimmer gave him a pathetic look. ‘I’ve still got a cat – okay I don’t have _Frankenstein_ anymore, but I’ve still got a _cat_.’

 

The Cat turned to them at that point, licking his lips.

 

‘Did you just say “Frankenstein?”’ he asked.

 

He launched into the story of Frankenstein – ‘the Holy Mother’ of the cat race –  and her relationship with a human named ‘Cloister the Stupid’, who would lead the Cat people to the promised land ‘Fuchal’ on Earth. It didn’t take very long for Lister to twig that he himself was ‘Cloister’, and that ‘Fuchal’ was actually Fiji. Almost every little detail of his life during those last two weeks before he’d been caught had been documented remarkably well by someone. He didn’t take offense to being called stupid. He _had_ been stupid. It was amazing to think that Frankenstein had been so aware of everything, and he felt guilty again for putting her in that situation.

 

As the Cat continued, it became apparent that he may have been a little backwards in comparison to other members of his family. According to him, cat culture had a long and varied history kept safe by priests and academics, but he only really knew the basics. Rimmer scoffed as he stumbled carelessly over some rather dubious sounding facts, but Lister wasn’t bothered. He liked the Cat. He reminded him of a little kid. He thought it might be nice to have him accompany them back home.

 

‘Holly!’ said Lister, hooking an arm companionably around the Cat’s shoulders. ‘Plot a course for Fiji! Look out, Earth! The slime’s coming home!’

 

The Cat hissed softly and wrestled his way out of Lister’s grip.

 

‘David, _I_ am the senior crew-member,’ said Rimmer, behind them both. ‘ _I’ll_ be the one giving Holly any orders.’

 

Lister turned to him, standing up.

 

‘If we do get back,’ he said softly, ‘we don’t _have_ to stay on Fiji if you don’t want. But if the Cat likes it we could take a holiday there – and then – see what we want to do – ?’

 

He approached Rimmer cautiously. They hadn’t actually ascertained whether they were still together, had they? He’d obviously hurt the guy a great deal with his antics, but he’d do anything – _anything_ – to get him back.

 

‘I love you,’ he said softly. ‘I’m so sorry for what I did. I was upset and drunk when I bought the cat. Was scared you didn’t want me anymore. Kochanski said I should get you a present and – I thought you’d like her. And then when I actually realised what I’d done... I was hoping I could just keep her hidden. I would have given her over but the Captain said he was gonna chop her up.’

 

‘Hey!’ said the Cat, gesturing between the two of them. ‘Are you guys life mates or something?’

 

Lister cringed slightly at the Cat’s interruption, but he nodded.

 

‘Yeah, we are,’ he said, looking back at Rimmer. ‘I hope?’

 

Rimmer glanced down at Lister’s mouth longingly, and nodded. Lister beamed up at him.

 

The Cat whistled.

 

‘Why would you choose _him_?' he asked. 'You can’t even snuggle!’

 

‘Would you please go away?’ Rimmer hissed at him.

 

‘What? I’m just saying what’s true!’

 

‘Cat!’ said Lister quickly. ‘Rimmer didn’t used to be like this. He’s human, like me. Just – he died – so now he’s a hologram.’

 

‘He’d _have_ to be dead, dressing like that.’ The Cat wrinkled his nose at the pair of them. ‘Mind you – _you_ ain’t about to make the front page of _Meow_ , are you?’

 

‘Shh! Cat – please, this only just happened recently. Arn needs a bit of time. It’s a bit of a shock, yeah?’

 

‘ _Arr_? Who’s Arr?’

 

‘No – Arn. That’s Rimmer’s first name – Arnold.’

 

‘But _you_ can call me Rimmer,’ said Rimmer icily to the Cat.

 

‘I don’t have to call you _anything,’_ replied the Cat. ‘I don’t even have to look at you! This is _my_ domain!’

 

‘Excuse me? _Your_ domain, is it? I think we’ll have to see about that. Holly! Plot a course for Earth!’

 

‘...Oh, all right,’ replied Holly boredly.

 

Rimmer gave the Cat a smug look.

 

The Cat stood then, wandering over to the pair of them to push into Rimmer’s personal space and then away again. He walked to stand beside the bunks and looked into both beds, sniffing and examining the posters above Lister’s, and then the more spartan walls of Rimmer’s.

 

‘This your bed?’ he asked Rimmer.

 

‘Yes – why?’ asked Rimmer, watching him closely.

 

The Cat reached into his jacket and retrieved what looked like a little perfume bottle. He sprayed it all along Rimmer’s bunk.

 

‘This is mine...’ the Cat sang distractedly.

 

‘Hey!’ Rimmer scrabbled at the Cat uselessly.

 

‘...And this is mine.’ The Cat sprayed the bottle onto Lister’s bunk. He looked at him with a shrug. ‘Sorry, man. No offence meant to _you_.’

 

Lister frowned as the Cat gave a howl and danced out of the bunkroom.

 

‘Where you going, Cat?’ Lister called after him, running to the door.

 

‘To claim more territory!’ came the Cat’s response. ‘ _Waaaow_!’

 

‘What was that he just sprayed on our beds?’ Rimmer demanded as Lister turned back.

 

Lister shrugged.

 

‘I’m happy not knowing, to be honest.’

 

It was quiet again. 

 

‘We’re on a ship in deep space, three million years in the future,' said Lister, after a few minutes. 'Everyone we know is dead.’

 

‘Including me,' said Rimmer, folding his arms.

 

‘Right.’ Lister nodded decisively. ‘We should go find everyone. They should all get a proper send off.’

 

‘Yes,’ agreed Rimmer stiffly. ‘It’s only right.’

 

‘...I suppose if we start in the Teaching Room, and then through to the Drive Room,’ said Lister. ‘I don’t know the rest of the ship that well, though.’

 

‘There’s one hundred and sixty-eight people to track down in our area.’

 

‘Only a thousand to go after that,’ sighed Lister. ‘Smeg.’

 

‘The skutters can search the rest of the ship. We can do here.’

 

They asked Holly to help oversee the operation. He released the canisters for everyone, and Lister and the skutters loaded them onto trolleys and went off with brushes and small vacuum cleaners. It seemed an odd, cold approach to dealing with human remains, but they had little choice. It took the entire day to find everybody, Lister stopping only to eat and take bathroom breaks, but at last they got every canister filled. Fortunately, Holly knew exactly who each of the little piles had once been, and so the task of identification didn’t add much time to the process.

 

They didn’t contemplate asking the Cat for help. This wasn’t his business, and anyway, he’d disappeared off somewhere.

 

Lister wasn’t sure how many people he’d found. He’d reloaded his trolley at least eight times, and he was exhausted. It was late, but he didn’t want to postpone the funeral. He didn’t want another day where he had to look over all these hundreds of names again. He couldn’t. He wanted to say goodbye now.

 

Standing in the Drive Room, having showered and changed into his only clean uniform, complete with black armband, Lister saluted as each canister sent up in the lifts passed his viewer as it was then transported into the main airlock.

 

‘Paula Clarke, Communications Officer. I didn’t know you, but I’m sorry you had to die.’

 

‘Lister.’

 

‘David Hughes, Cleaning Attendant. I didn’t know you. Sorry, man. Cool that we share the same name, eh?’

 

‘Listy.’

 

Rimmer stood at his shoulder. Lister couldn’t look at him, but he knew exactly what he was trying to say. The truth was, there were just too many. He couldn’t do this for everyone – not if he wanted this over with tonight.

 

Lister glanced back at Rimmer, and then gave a small nod. He sent over a thousand canisters to the airlock, waiting for them all to arrive, and then swallowed before speaking.

 

‘To all the people I’m about to send off – I never knew any of you. I’m sorry I didn’t. I might have passed some of you in the halls or the lavs at some point, and I’m sure none of you deserved to die like this. I’m sorry I couldn’t give each of you a proper eulogy. I bet you all had your own stories to tell. If we get back to Earth, we’ll make sure your names aren’t forgotten there. Rest in peace.’

 

Lister saluted, as Holly’s selected ‘Clair de lune’ played out across the tannoy system, and then he triggered the airlock to open.

 

‘That was lovely, Dave,’ said Holly, as the music continued to play.

 

Lister couldn’t answer him, and instead turned to the table, where seven canisters sat. He said goodbye to Captain Hollister somewhat mechanically. He hadn’t known the guy well, and a part of him was still fuming over the fact that he had asked Rimmer to fix the faulty drive plate that had caused all of this. Still, he thanked him for inadvertently saving his life by putting him into stasis, before sending his canister off.

 

The next few were hard to deal with. Lister felt numb as he read Selby and Chen’s names.

 

 ‘I knew you guys would want to go together,’ he said. ‘You were good mates. I’ll miss you both.’

 

He placed their canisters into the chute, and off they went.

 

‘Second Officer, Frank Todhunter. You were a good bloke. A bit serious, but I reckon you’d have been a laugh after a few pints. You worked hard and cared about your crewmates. You stuck up for them if the Captain was being a bit harsh. You’ll be missed.’

 

He sent him off.

 

‘Catering Officer, Olaf Petersen. You didn’t always work that hard, but when you did, we all ate well. You looked out for me the moment I arrived on _Red Dwarf_. You welcomed me into your group right away. You kept dodgy blokes away from me by threatening to chin them. You were always a shoulder to cry on. Always game for a laugh. I’ll miss you so much, man.’

 

Lister kissed the canister once before sending it. He looked at the next one for a few moments.

 

‘Kristine Kochanski, Navigation Officer... You were a hard worker, but you were so smegging _cool_. Nearly everyone I know liked you. You would have been a captain one day. You would have ruled the stars. And you were a great friend. I can’t believe I’m saying goodbye to you.’

 

Lister kissed over her name, and sent her on her way. He picked up the last canister.

 

‘Arnold J. Rimmer, Second Technician.’

 

He looked at him. Not at the canister. At _him_ – standing there. Rimmer was watching him; had been for a long time. He looked worried; for Lister – for both of them.

 

‘Do you... want one?’ Lister asked him.

 

‘If you could just say a few words,’ Rimmer said finally. ‘I’d appreciate it.’

 

‘...You were the most devoted Second Technician this ship’s ever seen. You cared about all the little details and always tried to make sure things were running as they should be. You were, and still are, loved. And things are gonna be different for you now. For both of us – but it’s not over.’

 

And then Lister couldn’t say any more. He hugged the canister to him, keeping eye contact with Rimmer as he pressed a soft kiss to the metal.

 

 

They were silent as they returned to the bunkroom.

 

Rimmer tentatively climbed into his bunk, relaxing when he didn’t fall through it.

 

‘Holly – could I have some pyjamas, please?’ he asked tiredly.

 

‘Course, Arnold,’ said Holly.

 

Rimmer’s uniform melted away, and a pair of neat, starched pyjamas materialised in its place.

 

‘Maybe on Earth they could give me a body now,’ he said pensively.

 

‘That’s more like it,’ said Lister with a yawn. ‘That’s the kind of thinking you need.’

 

He changed haphazardly, feeling strange and uncertain about this new situation. When he removed his uniform, he found black marks around each wrist.

 

‘The ink from your notes,’ he said, holding his arms out with a small laugh. ‘Thought I got it all off in the shower.’

 

Rimmer looked at him, and then closed his eyes, seemingly in despair.

 

‘Arn?’ said Lister gently. ‘What’s wrong?’

 

‘I’m sorry,’ said Rimmer, turning away. ‘I just need to sleep on this.’

 

‘’Course,’ said Lister. He understood, but was disappointed that they clearly wouldn’t be sharing Rimmer’s bunk tonight. ‘Night, love.’

 

‘Goodnight.’

 

Lister got into a pair of old shorts and a loose T-shirt he found, before climbing the ladder to his bunk and snuggling under the covers. He lay awake for some time, staring at the ceiling.

 

Everyone was gone. It was done. All in one day. Should they have waited after all? Had he been disrespectful in rushing through this? All the departed ones had been there waiting for three million years, anyway, but still.

 

Kochanski was dead. Krissie. She’d had everything going for her; smart, tough, funny. And now she was gone.

 

Petersen – he’d been laughing and joking around what felt like only yesterday.

 

Selby and Chen... what had the lads ever done to deserve being blown up?

 

They were all dead. Vanished from Lister’s life in a nanosecond. He’d spent the day clearing up all their ashes.

 

He saw Petersen flipping him the bird and cackling, Kochanski’s fantastic smile as she waved to him from her chair in the Drive Room.

 

 _‘Good time on Titan, Lister?’_ he heard Todhunter calling from somewhere.

 

He began to run along the corridors, through the Mess Hall – the Teaching Room. Frankenstein peeked at him from an air duct grill overhead. Lister stopped running when he saw a figure with their back to him; a tall, exceptionally neat man. Rimmer!

 

He tried moving again, to get to him, yelling to him that he loved him no matter what, but he _couldn’t._

 

_‘Rimmer!’_

Rimmer turned then, smiling at Lister, before his eyes went wide, throwing an arm over his face as there was a blinding flash and a roar, an invisible force knocking Lister onto his front with a scream.

 

Lister jerked awake. It was dark; the ship was silent. There was no rushing sound; no screaming, and no alarms. He was still in his own bunk, but it did not comfort him for long. If it had _all_ been a dream – stasis and the accident and the funeral – he’d be cuddled up with Rimmer right now.

 

He sobbed quietly. The events of the day came back to him all at once. He’d lost them all. All of his friends. Even the love of his life hadn’t gone unscathed. They were trapped on a ship in the middle of space, with no way of knowing whether anyone else in the universe was still alive. A few seconds later, he was close to howling. He stuffed his fists into his mouth to try and muffle the sounds. Quite suddenly, he’d never been so afraid in his life.

 

‘Listy?’ came Rimmer’s murmur.

 

He couldn’t hold it. Lister buried his face into his pillow and wept bitterly, openly.

 

‘Don’t cry, baby,’ said Rimmer sounding pained, his voice very close, and Lister heard, but did not feel, a small kiss being pressed to his cheek.

 

‘Just – just talk to me, _please_ ,’ he begged through deep, wet breaths. ‘Want you.’

 

There was silence for a moment, and then Rimmer spoke again.

 

‘Here.’

 

Lister rolled over to see that Rimmer had climbed the ladder of the bunk. He wondered distantly if Holly was assisting him somehow, but pushed the thought away in favour of scooting back against the wall to make room for him.

 

Rimmer’s projection sank slightly into the mattress, and into Lister where they would have been touching, but it did feel better seeing him there. He could almost feel him – a prickling sensation where clothed flesh should have met flesh.

 

Lister’s body was still wracked with sobs. He’d never lost it like this before, and it seemed as though Rimmer, too, was at a loss. He was eyeing Lister sadly, and all Lister wanted to do was stop crying and reach out; put the covers over him and show him how much he cared for him. But what could he _do_? They couldn’t hug or kiss. They couldn’t make love. Even the covers would just fall right through him.

 

‘Does – does it hurt when things go through you?’ he asked when he’d began to calm.

 

‘No,’ said Rimmer quietly. ‘Feels strange, though. Can’t tell if that’s just me expecting to feel it or if it’s real sensation.’

 

‘I love you.’

 

‘I love you too.’

 

‘I’m sorry – Arn, I’m so sorry.’

 

‘Don’t be. It’s all right. Sleep.’

 

Lister quieted down, soothed by Rimmer’s voice.

 

‘I won’t leave you,’ he heard him whisper. ‘I know you can’t feel me, but I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was a sad one to write :(


	6. Stasis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they approach light speed, Lister is keen to go into stasis for the trip back. Rimmer is reluctant to be switched off, and to try certain _other_ things. As Lister tries to find a solution to keep everyone happy, they begin experiencing a strange phenomenon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This shortish chapter covers the events of ‘Future Echoes’, although I don’t know yet if every episode will be covered in a separate chapter. FE is just a really good one that sets up a lot and I didn’t want to miss it.

 

The next few days were odd, some seeming to pass Lister by completely. Everything was so quiet and still. Without the buzz of everyone else’s activity surrounding his and Rimmer’s miserable working hours, it often felt as though the days were merging together into two, even three at a time.

 

The Cat popped in and out of their lives whenever he pleased; announcing himself loudly (in case there might be some ‘lady cats’ about), going through their things, eyeing Lister’s robot goldfish when he thought he wasn’t looking, or hanging around simply to irritate Rimmer. Lister was mostly grateful for the distraction, and was pleased that at least _somebody_ was having fun.

 

Rimmer, meanwhile, took his mind off things by organising the skutters to do the majority of his work for him. Having a new project actually seemed to keep him in a reasonable mood, despite his being dead. He seemed eager to get on with things as usual; to maintain their schedule as close as possible to how it had been before the accident. As he was keen to remind anyone who would listen, he was now the highest-ranking person on board and felt duty-bound to exert his authority wherever possible. Lister didn’t think that duty had much to do with it, but he appreciated that, being unable to touch anything, Rimmer had to have somethingto cling to. He was willing to humour him – on some things, anyway.

 

Holly busied himself with getting the ship up and running, ready for the journey home. Every now and then he’d pipe up to moan about things and generally confuse everyone with his cryptic remarks. Three million years alone had definitely slowed him down, but Lister wondered just how much of it was exaggerated. He certainly seemed quick-witted enough when he was riled up. Whenever Rimmer snapped at him, he would retaliate in increasingly creative ways; drawled insults he probably _hadn’t_ known before the accident, dressing the hologram in embarrassing outfits, or giving him unkempt facial hair. His latest revenge; a massive, brunette beehive, seemed to have cowed Rimmer into keeping his suddenly much taller head down, at least for a couple of days.

 

From conversation with Holly, Lister knew that the trip home would be a long one. Potentially it would be a voyage of yet another three million years, in fact. He found the figure too much to contemplate, just as he was finding the ship too big; too cold, and isolated. He couldn’t even do much exploring because Holly and Rimmer didn’t want him going anywhere until the rest of the ship had been decontaminated. In quieter moments he drank more than he should have done, when Rimmer wasn’t there to nag him and draw him away. It was getting old rather quickly, this new state of affairs. He was constantly haunted by the ghosts of all the people who should have been there; the expectation to see them sometimes outweighing the knowledge that they were gone. Sometimes he would walk through a door and find himself grinning, opening his mouth to greet whoever it was who had once frequented the space. He was getting tired of the sadness and disappointment that followed, every time. He just wanted to go home.

 

One morning, Holly called Lister and Rimmer to the Drive Room to inform them that they were going to hit light speed soon.

 

‘My advice is that you go into stasis, Dave,’ said Holly. ‘Light speed can be a bit of a weird one, and we’ve got four thousand years until we’ll be facing in the right direction.’

 

‘Okay,’ said Lister, nodding.

 

Rimmer, now with his normal haircut back in place, crossed his arms and frowned as he listened.

 

‘Of course, you _could_ stay in there until we reach Earth. Doesn’t look as though there’ll be much going on.’

 

‘Wait, what about _me_?’ demanded Rimmer.

 

‘We can just switch you off, Arnold. You won’t know a thing, just like Dave.’

 

Lister sensed the argument coming about a mile off, and cringed as Rimmer glared at Holly’s screen.

 

‘Oh, _charming_!’ said Rimmer with fake cheer. ‘Just switch old Arnie off, eh?’

 

‘...Well if you’d prefer to be left on, it can be arranged. But I’ll tell you now, it’s gonna be one hell of a trip. Ever take a wrong turning off the M25?’

 

‘Shut up, Holly!’

 

‘Arn, you don’t really want to stay here alone, do you?’ Lister asked him.

 

‘Of course not! I’ll go peculiar.’

 

‘Bit late for that,’ said Holly.

 

‘Look, if we’re gonna go back to Earth I _have_ to go into stasis, or I’ll be dead by the time we get there,' said Lister. 'It’s not like I _want_ to switch you off, but how else is this gonna work?’

 

‘Who knows?’ scoffed Rimmer. ‘But yes, go on – switch me on, switch me off, like I’m some battery-powered sex aid!’

 

Lister bit back the retort that Rimmer was hardly in the position to be _any_ kind of sex aid. It would be too cruel, and he needed to keep things peaceful between everyone. He was saved from having to say anything else when Rimmer moved off.

 

‘Arn?’ said Lister.

 

‘I’m going to get some work done,’ snapped Rimmer over his shoulder, and he left.

 

Lister groaned. Things were never  _simple_ with Rimmer, were they? He could hardly blame him for his bitterness; being a hologram meant even further seclusion than what Lister was experiencing. He couldn’t eat, drink, smoke or touch anything. It was a pretty miserable existence.

 

Maybe Lister was just an obsessive pervert, but Rimmer’s sex-aid comment had definitely seemed pointed, to him. Their sex life had been firmly put on halt. Of course, they couldn’t really fuck or anything, but Lister didn’t see why they couldn’t resume things in this... altered state they were in. He’d tried, of course; held his arms out to Rimmer, whispered to him; begged, _pleaded_ , but each time Rimmer would just give him a sad look and turn away. It was somewhat reminiscent of the early days of their relationship. Rimmer had been inexperienced, and clearly afraid of embarrassing himself, but he’d still been mostly willing to try new things. Lister had been assuming that his reluctance was just because they couldn’t touch. Now, he wondered if Rimmer didn’t actually have the desire anymore. He thought of George McIntyre saying, 'I'm no longer a threat to your marriages!' Maybe holograms didn't want that kind of thing? Even he could admit that sex was more something you wanted than really needed, but it had still been a big part of their relationship. As far as Lister was concerned, they still shared _some_ physical intimacy. He thought of the way they lay close together in bed as cuddling, which Rimmer hadn’t denied him that since the first night after the accident. It was an upsetting thought – that Rimmer might not want him sexually anymore, but Lister would still be willing to talk about it. They could adapt; make changes. He would never demand what Rimmer didn’t want to give, although he suspected that even if Rimmer didn’t want to have sex with him, the guy would still feel stung by the fact that he couldn’t.

 

‘Holly...’ said Lister after a moment. ‘Do holograms really feel everything that people feel?’

 

‘Are we talking physics or emotions here?’ replied Holly, sounding distracted. ‘Sorry – I’m trying to get my calculations right.’

 

‘Erm, sort of both, I think?’

 

Holly sighed. ‘Arnold can feel physical sensation – you’ve seen that he can touch his own form, and he can feel the few objects that he can interact with – such as chairs, beds, and one or two switches on a few of the control panels. But anything else he wants to feel has to be provided by me.’

 

‘Like brushing his teeth and stuff?’

 

‘Yes. There are some things he’ll learn to do on his own eventually, like dressing himself, but it takes a while to get the hang of. A _bit_ like having to navigate a giant mining ship while travelling at the speed of light, as it happens.’ Holly gave him a meaningful look.

 

 _‘Sorry._ But – but if Rimmer wanted certain things, or enjoyed certain things before – Would he still want and enjoy those things now? Even if he didn’t need them?’

 

‘Everything should still be intact if it’s part of his personality. For example, he doesn’t feel hunger, but he might still crave a meal he likes.’

 

‘Could he still – ’ Lister cleared his throat awkwardly. ‘Could he still give _himself_ some sensations?’

 

Holly’s face became grave. ‘ – Oh, dear,’ he said in unhappy realisation.

 

‘Sorry, man,’ said Lister, blushing. ‘It’s not... I’m really grateful that you brought him back, man. It’s just – it’s a big thing for humans. It’s another way of expressing your feelings – or it _can_ be I guess. His pride’s hurt enough already, and I just want to know... what our options are, like.’

 

If Holly had hands, Lister imagined he’d be waving them frantically right about now. ‘It’s all a bit beyond me, Dave,’ he said awkwardly. ‘But I’ll tell you that “self-stimulation” _is_ in the holo-database. According to the notes, it was one of the first things they prioritised when holograms were invented. Seems a funny thing to spend so much time perfecting, but there you have it.’

 

Lister chuckled. ‘Humans are weird, Hol,’ he said. He was relieved. This was good news.

 

‘Now, can I get on? _Please_?’

 

‘’Course. Thanks, man.’

 

‘No problem.’

 

Lister stood and went off, deep in thought. For now, he needed to find the Cat and tell him about the plan to go into stasis.

 

 

The next morning, Lister awoke in time to see Rimmer marching out with a skutter in tow. He _had_ hoped to try and make a start on things between them the night before, but he’d fallen asleep by the time Rimmer came to bed.

 

First and foremost, they needed to sort out this stasis issue. He absolutely couldn’t leave his lover on his own on _Red Dwarf_. For now, he was willing to abandon the plan of remaining in stasis for the entire journey back, but if Rimmer refused to be switched off at _all_ , then Lister would stay. Perhaps he would be able to talk Rimmer into cooperating later, when they’d had longer to get used to this new dynamic. In truth, Lister wasn’t keen on the idea of switching Rimmer off and separating from him again, either.

 

Lister had just begun shaving when a blinding flash came across his vision, and a rushing boom echoed throughout the ship. His first thought was that it could be another radiation leak, but after a few seconds of stomach-lurching uncertainty, he was confident that he was fine. There were no alarms blaring, and he was definitely still standing, and he called out to Holly for an explanation.

 

Sounding rather dazed himself, Holly explained that they’d just hit the light barrier twenty-two hours earlier than planned. After confirming that everyone was fine, he left Lister to it again.

 

He wasn’t sure when it started happening, but all Lister knew was that one minute he was shaving while looking in the mirror, the next his heart had seized with terror. He’d just dropped his arm down to rinse off the razor, but his reflection hadn’t. His mirror-self was still running the razor over its face, and he glanced incredulously down at his own two hands and back up again to prove to himself that he wasn’t imagining it.

 

No, there was _no_ imaging it; his reflection _wasn’t_ doing what he was doing.

 

‘RIMMER, RIMMER!’ Lister yelled over his shoulder.

 

He recoiled from the sink, staring fearfully as his reflection continued its movements independently; shaving while glowering distrustfully back at him, then pausing to dab at its bleeding chin, and then appearing to call over its shoulder, although Lister couldn’t hear its voice. After a few moments, Rimmer appeared behind it, and Lister jumped and looked behind him. There was no one there. Heart hammering, Lister turned back to watch as the Rimmer and the Lister in the mirror seemed to have a little exchange, Mirror-Lister pointing to the mirror. Mirror-Rimmer glanced at Lister, then shook his head and reached out to Mirror-Lister, and then withdrew his hand. It was as though he could see nothing remarkable, and then Mirror-Lister too, seemed to relax suddenly.

 

Frowning, Lister began shaving again. He hissed as he realised he’d nicked his chin, and was smearing blood into the shaving foam. He touched the little wound, just as his mirror-self had done, and as the stinging, burning pain began to register, he felt a wave of fright come over him again.

 

‘RIMMER!’

 

Finally, he heard Rimmer’s simulated footsteps as the hologram ran into their quarters.

 

‘What?’ Rimmer called out, looking him over. ‘What is it? Are you okay?’

 

Making eye contact with him in the mirror, Lister pointed at their reflections. ‘D-Do you see anything really weird in that mirror?’ he said in a small voice.

 

Rimmer glanced at the mirror, clearly bewildered, and then his expression dropped into exasperation and he tutted. ‘You’ve cut yourself.’ He reached towards Lister, brushing the tips of his fingers against his arm ineffectively.

 

To Lister’s frustration, the mirror seemed to be behaving normally now, and he shook his head.

 

‘No, it was – it was _really_ odd,’ he insisted, trying to think of how to describe it.

 

‘ _What_ was?’

 

‘Unless... maybe I left the screen on record?’ murmured Lister to himself. ‘But I _didn’t_! It’s been on the mirror setting the whole time.’

 

 ‘Listy, have you been at the marijuana gin again?’ His tone was biting, but Rimmer’s face was still twisted in concern.

 

Lister shook his head. ‘Forget it, babe. It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter.’

 

‘Fine!’ said Rimmer irritably. ‘Well, if you have anymore problems with _nothing_ , and things that _don’t matter_ , just scream out my name and I’ll come pelting down the corridor!’

 

He pulled a face at Lister in the mirror, and left.

 

Lister shook his head again. They both knew that, no matter what, Rimmer would always come running if Lister called for him.

 

He stared into the mirror, his own confused face gawping back at him. Was he losing it? It would hardly be surprising; it wasn’t every day you found out you might be the last human being alive. He’d managed to mix up his deodorant and his shaving foam; perhaps it was all one big sign that his brain was starting to give up in despair.

 

Maybe it would be a good idea to try and convince Rimmer on the remaining-in-stasis plan, after all.

 

 

The Cat seemed excited about going into suspended animation. Lister was glad to hear him singing his own song about doing so as he wheeled a rail of bright clothes down the corridor. After gently-but-firmly shooting down the Cat’s plan to bring his entire wardrobe with him into stasis, Lister wandered into the empty Drive Room. He hoped that if they got the Cat into stasis now, Rimmer would be less tense, and they could have a proper talk about things without risk of interruption. He checked his digital inbox on the user screen of the control panel, for the first time since before the accident. He’d rarely bothered to look through it, but figured he might as well clear it through before the next three million years were up. It only registered the notices of planets or spaceports that they passed through, and so as he expected, it was just full of junk mail, including one congratulating him on his marriage – which was just salt to a gaping wound right now. Suddenly annoyed, he deleted everything and logged out.

 

‘Holly, I know you’re busy, but we've got to do something about Rimmer,’ he said, and Holly’s face appeared on three of the screens, including the one Lister had just been using. ‘We can’t switch him off without his permission, and if I just went into stasis and left him again... I just _can’t_. Is there _any_ way we could do this and give him more of a guarantee he won’t just be wiped or something?’

 

‘Well, there is the light bee, I suppose,’ replied Holly mildly.

 

‘Light bee?’ Lister frowned, wandering further into the room. ‘What’s that?’

 

‘It’s a small device that buzzes around inside a hologram and projects their image independently of my computer. He’d need to use one if he ever wanted to leave the ship at any point. My thoughts are we could set him up on one and you could take the light bee into stasis with you. How does that sound?’

 

Lister smiled. That would be nice, he thought. He could hold Rimmer’s light bee in his hand, or put it in his breast pocket, keeping him close. Feeling slightly more optimistic, he thanked Holly and turned to go and find Rimmer, before spotting him in the doorway.

 

‘Arn, Holly might have a solution for our stasis problem,’ he said.

 

‘What?’ said Rimmer, strolling towards him and pausing in the centre of the room.

 

Lister approached him. ‘You know, about me going into stasis? If you’re okay with it, Holly says you there’s a way I can take you in with me.’

 

Rimmer looked confused. ‘How did I do what?’

 

Lister frowned. ‘What do you mean, “how did I do what?”’ he asked, baffled.

 

He watched in amazement as Rimmer turned away from him and began having entirely separate conversation with a seemingly invisible Lister.

 

 

The ‘future echoes,’ as Holly called them, were easily the strangest thing any of them had ever encountered. They did at least explain the mirror debacle, and the bizarre, repeated conversation Lister had shared with Rimmer that morning, and a few minutes later when they both witnessed the Cat pass them, hollering about losing a tooth before discovering him still in their quarters, teeth intact. But soon, more echoes came along; ones that were not quite so easily explained. A photograph of Lister holding two babies, Rimmer at his shoulder, appeared on the wall of their bunk. Both children resembled Lister strongly, right down to their dreadlocks, but neither Holly nor Lister had an explanation for that, _or_ how he would end up with two babies in the first place.

 

Later, when the Cat did indeed lose a tooth after trying to eat one of Lister’s robot goldfish, Lister was astonished when a very elderly version of himself, deaf and blind to their presence but still aware of them, directed him and Rimmer down to the medical unit. There, they witnessed the final future echo; Lister holding the two squalling babies in his arms from the photograph, as the future-Rimmer stood by. The twin babies were named Jim and Bexley, as Lister had always intended for his own sons, and it turned out to be Lister himself who took the photograph.

 

 

That evening, Rimmer and Lister lay side by side in the bottom bunk.

 

For the first time in nearly two weeks, Lister felt a glimmer of hope; of possibility. If they were to have two children (and in the near-future by the looks of it), then that meant that they were to remain out of stasis, at least for a few years. They were hardly ready to be parents. Apart from their less-than-ideal situation, he and Rimmer had only been together for a few months, and they had never properly discussed having a family.

 

But it still changed _everything_.

 

‘How much futher into the future do you think it was?’ asked Lister, staring at the photograph he’d stuck to the wall.

 

‘...I don’t know,’ said Rimmer, still sounding petrified. ‘But you looked like you do _now_.’

 

‘Amazing.’ Lister shook his head.

 

Rimmer turned to face him, his projection sinking into Lister slightly where their legs touched. ‘Do you want a family?’

 

‘I always have done. I mean, I didn’t think it would be so soon – but if it’s coming, I’ll take it.’ Rimmer was silent, and Lister looked at him. ‘How about you?’ he asked. ‘I know this is a shock.’

 

Rimmer hesitated. ‘I just – I’m glad. No – I really am. I just wish we knew how it happens. Aside from us both being men, I’m dead! So – they can’t be my children. Biologically speaking.’

 

‘I wouldn’t have kids with anyone else.’

 

‘I know – but I meant – if this happens because we make it happen – how can they be mine? Unless we spliced our genetics or – I don’t know. But that would mean we _planned_ it.’

 

Lister nodded in understanding. There had been ways two men could have children together back on Earth. There was adoption, of course – but if Jim and Bexley were foundlings, that wouldn’t explain why they looked so much like him. Surrogacy would mean that a woman would _have_ to join them at some point, but Lister couldn’t imagine himself asking that of someone, particularly while they were stuck in space with no experienced medical staff. And then there were invitro tubes and simulators; babies could be conceived and grown artificially, and even two people of the same sex could have their genetics spliced to create a child that was biologically both theirs. But as a mining ship, the _Red Dwarf_ seemed a strange place to accommodate such facilities. Perhaps it did, somewhere? There _were_ nearly five miles of rooms they had yet to explore; perhaps there was a medical unit where they had such things in storage?

 

Whatever the explanation for the babies, Lister knew that it was a bit difficult for two men to wind up with children _accidentally_. And if he didn’t go into stasis, then raising a family with the man he loved would definitely pass the years, and pleasantly so.

 

He snuggled down beneath the covers, mumbling, ‘I love you’ to Rimmer, and shut his eyes. It would likely do him no good to try and figure it out now. According to Holly, the future was set. No matter how impossible it seemed, they would be getting two babies.

 

What a strange day.

 

A few minutes later, Lister’s eyes snapped open in the darkness. He’d remembered something. That morning, when he’d checked his inbox – the notice congratulating him on his getting married! What if it _hadn’t_ been spam? What if it was another future echo?

 

‘What’s wrong?’ asked Rimmer, having sensed Lister’s alarm.

 

Lister paused, stroking his hand across Rimmer’s projection where he could just make it out. If the notice _had_ been a future echo, then like the babies, it hinted that there was a future for them, even if it was here. He smiled.

 

‘...Nothing,’ he replied softly. ‘Just... just a thought.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted on tumblr asking about hologram projection and light bee rules, so thanks very much to those people who helped me! <3


	7. Aliens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister and Rimmer start up their physical relationship again, and the arrival of a strange pod has Rimmer obsessed.
> 
> This covers some of the events of ‘Balance of Power’ and 'Waiting for God.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains smut :P

‘One hundred and forty thousand rehydratable chickens.’

 

‘Check.’

 

‘Seventy-two tonnes of reconstituted sausage patty.’

 

 ‘... _Check_.’

 

‘Four-thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis.’

 

‘I’m bored.’

 

‘Four-thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis.’

 

‘Arn. It’s Saturday night.’

 

‘Four-thousand six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis.’

 

‘We’ve been doing this for four hours, I’ve had enough.’

 

‘ _Four-thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated hag-gis._ ’

 

Lister narrowed his eyes up at Rimmer. His lover had never been one to drop a task they were right in the middle of, even when they had first gotten together, but Lister had his ways. He stretched himself out a bit in the chair, knowing it would get his attention. ‘Come talk to me,’ he said softly.

 

‘ – Four-thousand, six-hundred... and... and...’ said Rimmer, and he frowned, his gaze darting back and forth for a moment before finally stopping to rake up and down over Lister’s body. ‘ _Talk_ to you? We’re talking right now.’

 

‘ _No_ , I mean – come and talk _nice_ to me, you know?’ He waggled his eyebrows. ‘Or you can be mean, if you like. You know I like that, too.’

 

Rimmer’s face had begun to fall as Lister spoke. ‘Lister – ’

 

 ‘Let’s go to bed.’

 

Rimmer’s shoulders drooped. ‘We can’t.’

 

‘Sure we can!’

 

‘Dave – ’

 

‘No, listen. I know we can’t touch each other, but there’s still things we can do. If we _wanna_ do them, that is.’

 

‘What do you mean, if we _want_ to?’

 

‘Well – do you want to? Do you – do you still want me?’ When Rimmer just blinked at him, Lister swallowed. ‘You can say, love. If you don’t – ’

 

Rimmer sighed and made a motion with his hand that Lister recognised as a futile attempt at replacing the pen he would have been holding during work back into his breast pocket. ‘Of course I still want you,’ he said. ‘More than anything. But we _can’t_.’

 

‘We _can_. I know it’s new and – and different, but we can do it. We can work with this.’

 

‘How? Nothing’s going to change, Listy. I’m not going to magically become solid because we both believe _so much_ in our everlasting love or something.’

 

‘Yeah, I know.’

 

‘We’d have a better chance of teaching the skutters to recite the Ten Commandments.’

 

‘I know you’re frustrated; _I_ am too. We can’t touch – I know.’ Lister moved his right hand up from where it dangled over his own knee to rest it on his upper thigh, and letting it trail against himself as he did so. ‘But we _can_ touch ourselves, can’t we?’

 

Rimmer’s nostrils flared, his gaze flicking up and down Lister again.

 

‘Ha!’ thought Lister. ‘Got you.’

 

‘And we can _see_ each other.’

 

‘...But – the irradiated haggis...’

 

Slowly, Lister stood up.

 

‘Come on,’ he said, offering a hand out of habit.

 

Rimmer, his eyes still wide and nervous, reached out to him allowing his projection to brush against Lister’s fingers.

 

They wound their way back through the corridors to their quarters, locking the door behind them. Lister kicked off his shoes, removed his hat and chucked it onto the top bunk, shooting Rimmer a wink.

 

‘Make yourself comfortable, babe,’ he said softly as he shrugged off his jacket and hung it up by the mirror.

 

Rimmer gulped audibly, and sank into the chair by the table, staring transfixed at Lister. Lister smiled at him. He was so _cute_.

 

‘Do you remember the first time we slept together?’ he asked him, resting his elbow on the top bunk as he looked at him. ‘The first time we kissed – touched.’

 

‘Couldn’t forget it,’ mumbled Rimmer.

 

‘I always wanted to know what you were like under those clothes – how you’d be in bed.’

 

Rimmer shook his head and looked at the floor. ‘You’ve no idea.’

 

‘No idea – ?’

 

Rimmer glanced back up at him, suddenly looking self-conscious again. ‘I’ve told you – about how I felt.’

 

This wouldn’t do. Lister needed to keep things heated between them. He couldn’t allow Rimmer to be embarrassed or scared. He pulled his T-shirt off; the way he knew would catch and keep Rimmer’s attention – crossing his arms to pull up the hem and whip the top off in one quick movement.

 

Rimmer swallowed again, keeping his attention firmly on Lister. ‘I didn’t think I stood a chance.’

 

‘Neither did I – I thought you hated me.’

 

‘I thought you hated _me_. Or – I didn’t think you’d ever like me that way.’

 

Lister threw his T-shirt onto his bunk to join his hat, and shook his head. ‘Daft, really. If you’d just been nice I would have been yours the first day I got here.’

 

‘I _wanted_ to be,’ said Rimmer fervently. ‘The first time I saw you, I was gearing up to flatter you and show off, but – ’

 

‘But I was an annoying git,’ Lister finished for him. ‘I know. I’m not perfect, either.’

 

‘That didn’t matter. Nothing put me off _you_ , I just – I’d never...’

 

‘You’re such a handsome git. I used to love riling you up – still do. You really got me going, even when you were annoying the smeg out of me.’

 

‘On nights when you didn’t come back, I’d be so jealous. I’d wonder who the lucky man was who got to make love to you that night.’

 

Lister laughed. ‘You know – most of the time I was just drinking with the guys, or chatting with Kris.’

 

‘But it always felt like – it could be the night you found someone and never came back.’

 

‘Aw, darlin’.’

 

‘I just didn’t know how to tell you – if you’d laugh at me.’

 

‘You know I wouldn’t have done.’

 

‘I know that _now_.’

 

‘I can’t really think of anyone else I would have gone off with.’

 

‘Not even Todhunter? He liked you, you know.’

 

‘Nah.’

 

‘He did. He got all red and blushy when he was around you.’

 

‘Maybe it was from being around _you_.’

 

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

 

‘Why is it ridiculous?’

 

Rimmer scowled. ‘Because – because it is! _You’re_ the deck’s pretty-boy, not me.’

 

‘I think you’re putting yourself down. You’re _beautiful.’_

 

‘You say that because you’re my boyfriend.’

 

‘ _No_ , it’s because it’s true. You’re gorgeous, and there’s no way I was the only one who noticed.’

 

‘...There’s nothing really special about me.’

 

‘Well, why don’t we have a look?’

 

‘No one ever used to flirt with me or anything.’

 

‘Maybe you just didn’t notice.’

 

‘I never got any compliments...’

 

‘Can you just take your shirt off? Please?’

 

Rimmer opened his mouth, hesitated, and then gave a nod. His elegant, long-fingered hands flew up to his collar, and he began unbuttoning his shirt from the top.

 

Lister grinned delightedly and began undoing his flies. He pushed his trousers down and stepped out of them, chuckling when he nearly tripped himself up. Now just in his underpants, he climbed into the bottom bunk and rearranged their pillows to rest against the back wall. He sat up slightly with his shoulders leant against them, biting his lip at the spectacle before him.

 

Rimmer’s shirt was now open, and he carefully – neatly – pulled it off down his slender, muscular arms. Rimmer had a great physique; slim and fit, with big shoulders on him. He caught Lister’s eye as he extracted his wrists from the armholes, and he paused for a second, to take a fleeting – but obvious – look at the growing bulge between Lister’s legs. Lister smiled at him, and Rimmer smiled back as he held the shirt aloft in one hand and let it go. The garment disappeared into nothingness.

 

Lister ran his hands up and down his arms – like he’d do if he was cold – but slowly. He let one palm slide from his shoulder and down across his chest to his nipple. He stroked across it softly, before rubbing it to get the little nub nice and hard. He knew that if Rimmer could; he’d suck on it – giving attention to both sides for a good long while as Lister dissolved into a complete wreck beneath or above him. Rimmer, too, had a lovely chest that Lister liked to explore with his hands and mouth. Lister glanced over at it, and was delighted to see Rimmer mirroring his actions – as he usually did when he was unsure of himself during sex.

 

Lister squirmed, enjoying the sensation of the flesh between his legs rubbing against cloth. He moved his other hand down to it – cupping the straining cock through the fabric and emitting a small gasp.

 

‘God – Listy.’

 

Lister had shut his eyes at the abrupt pleasure he’d given himself, and opened them again to see Rimmer pawing at his own flies. His gaze was dark and fixated on Lister’s every movement.

 

‘Yeah,’ sighed Lister, pinching at both his nipples. ‘Go on, touch yourself. I know how much you want to.’

 

Rimmer made a face as though he were snarling, but no noise came out. He quickly worked his flies open, keeping the heel of his other hand pressed against his cock under the material – already so hard.

 

Lister slipped his thumb between his lips, holding it gently between his teeth for a moment. Rimmer had a thing for this – he’d had _that_ little suspicion confirmed a few weeks into their relationship and coaxed the truth from him during a rather torturous blowjob.

 

Right on cue, Rimmer gave a grunt of approval, his knees parting further as his hand slipped into his trousers, out of sight. Lister would almost have complained at being unable to see the man’s cock, but witnessing Rimmer’s face morph into one of ecstasy; his eyes snapping shut and his mouth hanging open, peaked his interest enough. Rimmer had done very well – this seeing-but-not-touching was the kind of sex thing that would have had him running for the hills in the early days of their relationship. They were locked in this moment between them, and Lister didn’t want to break the spell.

 

‘Smeg, you turn me on,’ gasped Lister, his thumb falling wetly from his mouth. ‘Look at you.’

 

He stopped touching himself for a moment to roll to the side and locate the bottle of lube he’d got from one of the dispensers in the toilets (after three million years the one they’d only been halfway through had been a bit dry) before turning back to position. His actions had disturbed from Rimmer slightly from his reverie; he was now watching curiously – but still with his hand in his pants and looking just disgraceful – as Lister placed the bottle beside him on the mattress. One of Lister’s favourite things was when he got Rimmer – usually so clean and orderly, perfectly debauched. He winked at Rimmer again, and skimmed his underpants down his legs and off completely.

 

‘Fuck,’ said Rimmer.

 

‘Patience,’ Lister replied, grinning at him.

 

‘Cheeky little – ’

 

Grabbing up the bottle again, Lister squeezed out some lube onto his palm and spread it over and between his fingers. He moved his hand down between his legs again, and wrapped it around his cock, letting it glide in and out of his palm and getting it wet and slippery. He sighed, and moved his other hand down to carefully rub his balls, lifting a foot up to brace against the mattress.

 

‘Oh, Listy,’ moaned Rimmer. He’d started pumping his erection, too – Lister could see the outline of it, and the rhythmic movements through the man’s trousers. Then, the hologram raised his other hand to pinch lightly at one of his nipples as he watched Lister, licking his lips as he thrust up and panted, the speed of his hand increasing noticeably.

 

Lister inhaled shakily and kept stroking himself, his eyes falling shut in his pleasure. He was leaking precum; a tiny rivulet trickling down over his fingers and dripping onto his balls. But he needed more – he wanted to hear Rimmer’s voice. He lifted the hand he’d been toying at his scrotum with, and raised it up towards his mouth.

 

Rimmer gave a low growl. ‘That’s it – suck your thumb,’ he rumbled, and Lister obliged. ‘ – _Yes_. Open your eyes. Look at me.’

 

Allowing his cheeks to hollow slightly around the digit in his mouth, Lister did as Rimmer asked again, gazing over at him through low-lidded, unfocused eyes. Rimmer’s hair was becoming freed from where he always fastidiously combed it down, and there was even a sheen of sweat on his brow; the inventors of the hologram-projection unit really _had_ thought of everything. Lister wished it were Rimmer’s hand on him; Rimmer’s cock hot and heavy on his tongue.

 

‘That’s it, Dave,’ Rimmer hissed. ‘Stroke it. Stroke yourself... faster now.’

 

Lister grunted and sped up the pace of his hand, tears pricking at the corners of his vision from the intensity of it all. He hummed against his fist, sucking hungrily on his thumb.

 

Rimmer snarled again. ‘Good – you’re a good boy, aren’t you?’

 

Lister keened softly; an almost melancholy noise as if to agree with Rimmer; to call out to him and tell him how much he wanted him.

 

Rimmer groaned, his eyes slamming tight shut. His arse was now moving frantically in the chair as he propelled his lower half into the movement of his fist. As he came, his head fell back and his mouth hung open; his breaths coming in great huffs and moans.

 

Imagining those narrow hips pumping up and down above his thighs; tight arse squeezing on his cock, Lister let his thumb brush against the weeping head of his dick and thrust into the grip. His orgasm washed over him powerfully, making him cry out as his head tossed from side to side against the pillows; the action releasing his thumb from between his lips.

 

For some few moments, Lister remained where he was, taking the time to get his breath back.

 

‘Dave,’ he heard Rimmer whisper, and there was the rustling sounds of him rising from the chair and moving over to him.

 

When he finally opened his eyes again, Rimmer was kneeling over him, pressing phantom kisses all over his skin; his hands and knees making no indentation in the mattress. The ardent, slightly smug look on the man’s face confirmed that he had caught the moment of Lister’s release.

  

Lister gave his own small kiss to Rimmer’s mouth, running his tongue over his own lips afterwards at that faint prickling sensation he always got from doing so. He collapsed back against the wall again, wiping at his sweaty brow with his back of his clean hand.

 

‘See what we can do?’ he said quietly, nuzzling at the pillow instead of at Rimmer’s chest where he wanted.

 

‘All right, Listy,’ murmured Rimmer, awkwardly maneuvering himself around to sit next to him. ‘You’ve got me convinced.’

 

‘Good.’

 

Lister reluctantly got up to grab a handful of tissues from the shelf above the sink, and wiped at the semen all over his chest. Rimmer lay there utterly boneless, watching Lister’s naked body with sluggish fascination.

 

‘But don’t think this gets you out of doing your job, miladdo,’ he said tiredly.

 

Lister rolled his eyes. ‘’Course not,’ he said. ‘Although why you’re still so obsessed I don’t know.’

 

‘Logging the ship’s inventory is extremely important – particularly what food we have left.’

 

‘Arn – we still have enough to keep a thousand people going. I’m sure we’ll be okay.’

 

‘It’s still important.’

 

Lister threw the soiled tissues into the bin and smiled down at him fondly. ‘I know.’

 

‘ – It’s not just that, though,’ said Rimmer after a moment.

 

Nodding, Lister sat back down on the edge of the bunk. ‘You need it, don’t you? To keep working, like everything’s normal.’

 

‘Not just me... Listy, I’m worried about you.’

 

‘About me?’

 

‘You’re becoming unmotivated. All you seem to want to do these days is slob around drinking and watching TV.’

 

Lister sighed. ‘I’ve always been the same way.’

 

‘That’s not true. I know you don’t enjoy the work – I’m not accusing you of being lazy. I think you’re lonely.’

 

Lister frowned down at his bare legs. He supposed he knew what Rimmer was getting at, but he was surprised he’d picked up on it. ‘Well... I guess I am a bit,’ he said tentatively. He didn’t want to offend Rimmer, but it was the truth; even if they’d started their sex life back up again, he was still going to be lonely now.

 

Rimmer turned his head to the side, staring at Lister thoughtfully. ‘I used to be jealous about you going off with your friends – I still would be if they were around. But I can see now that you needed those relationships. You liked going out and having fun. It made you happy.’

 

‘...Yeah it did. And don’t think you don’t make me happy – but you’re right. I miss Kris and the guys, and it hurts.’

 

Rimmer nodded. ‘It’s understandable. But... I don’t like you drinking on your own. It scares me. I keep thinking about that night you came back here off your face, falling about and throwing up.’

 

‘Mm, yeah – _sorry_.’

 

‘No, Dave – ’ Rimmer sat up. ‘I’m scared because _I_ can’t pick you up off the floor if you get hurt. I can’t even roll you onto your side! It’s so easy for me to think about the other things – sex with you, holding you – but there _are_ more important things.’

 

‘Hey, now. There are the skutters, and the Cat.’

 

‘Would the Cat help?’

 

‘...Why wouldn’t he? And anyway, it’s okay. I’m not gonna drink meself into a stupor. You don’t have to worry about me, darlin’.’

 

Rimmer reached out and ran his hand along Lister’s arm. ‘What if you don’t mean to? I know you sit in the mess sometimes on your own thinking about things. I know you need that time to yourself, but... sometimes I wonder if staying out of stasis is really a good idea for you, after all.’

 

Lister blinked. ‘But – we’ve agreed we’re not going into stasis. At least, not _now_. And what about the future echoes?’

 

‘We can change our minds. You shouldn’t be trapped here if you don’t want it – and if the future echoes can’t be stopped, then surely they’ll happen no matter what we do?’

 

‘But what about you? I know you’re not happy with the idea.’

 

‘But the thing is, _I’m_ already dead. I’ve been selfish. You and your wellbeing should have been my number one priority the entire time.’

 

‘You haven’t been selfish,’ said Lister adamantly, and shook his head. He _hated_ being reminded that Rimmer wasn’t really alive.

 

‘I have. A Rimmer trait, I’m afraid. But from now on, you and your wellbeing are my number one priority.’

 

 

 

At first, the joy at their rekindled sex life seemed to relieve much of the tense atmosphere between Lister and Rimmer. They spent more time locked in their bunkroom together, getting to know each other’s bodies again in this curious, non-physical sense. Lister had shot down Rimmer’s suggestions that they go into stasis for now, still certain that they had more to come in this timeline.

 

But there was something else going on with Rimmer now. He still threw himself into work with renewed vigour, but now he often seemed deep in thought and when he wasn’t staring into space, he was scribbling furiously down in the new holo-journal he’d gotten from Holly.

 

‘ _How to Get a Body,_ by Arnold J. Rimmer,’ Lister read aloud one evening, peering Rimmer’s shoulder to read what he could.

 

Rimmer, who was sitting at the table, didn’t seem annoyed at the intrusion, and moved around so that Lister could see properly.

 

‘“Prop-sit...on – ”’ said Lister, squinting down at the swirly script.

 

Rimmer sighed, already impatient with Lister’s slow reading. ‘Proposition one,’ he corrected.

 

‘Okay, okay – “Proposition one: The solid hologram. Discover how to make self solid through tech-tech – ”’

 

‘Technology, Listy. The ‘h’ is silent.’

 

‘Wish _your_ ‘h’ was silent. “ – The _techn-ol-ogy_ already avail-able. The hologram-projection unit works by...”’ Lister frowned. The sentence disappeared into nothing. With some difficulty he read the tiny annotation beneath it. ‘“Note to self; discover how hologram-projection unit works.”’

 

He looked up at Rimmer sadly.

 

Rimmer just shrugged. ‘Yes, it’s a _little_ beyond my expertise at the moment,’ he said sheepishly.

 

‘“Proposition two: a-wait our arrival back to Earth and investigate their super-human technology. Downside – involves waiting.’”

 

Rimmer, who had been sitting there with a stupid grin listening to his own words, nodded pensively at that note, as though he was hearing it for the first time.

 

‘“Proposition three: aliens.” _Aliens_?’

 

‘What?’ Rimmer snapped out of his daydream and looked at him. ‘Aliens are a perfectly reasonable thing to believe in, Listy.’

 

‘But no one’s ever _met_ one, have they?’

 

‘Haven’t they? Maybe in all the time we were away, some glorious, superior alien race has taken Earth in hand and is running everything with grace and efficiency. And who’s to say we won’t meet any out here? We’re _three million years_ away from our solar system. Anything could happen!’

 

Lister stared at him. ‘Arn – I know you want a body, love, but... we’re managing okay aren’t we?’

 

‘It’s not enough, Listy. Don’t get me wrong – the last few days have been incredible with you – but it’s like I told you. I want to be able to take care of you properly. And I want to eat and drink...’ Rimmer’s voice went deep as he leered at him. ‘...and to interfere with you, _properly_.’

 

Only a week after that, Rimmer’s fanaticism reached new levels when Holly reported the presence of a strange pod. He was absolutely convinced that it had to be from an alien craft, and that perhaps it might contain the technology to give him a solid body. He ordered for it to be brought onto the ship, and stood vigilantly in the Observation Room as he ordered Holly to run test after test on the thing.

 

Lister had never seen him so obsessed, but _he_ wasn’t at all convinced. He didn’t really believe in aliens – not in the sense that he thought it impossible there was life elsewhere, just that – they had never been discovered, and so why should they be now? Even three million years was just a blink of the evolutionary eye. And being in deep space didn’t necessarily mean that alien life was more likely to flourish there. It was honestly painful listening to Rimmer’s persistent demands and speculation over what the pod might contain. He wanted to just get into the Observation Room, look at it up close and confirm that it was nothing extraordinary. But Rimmer wanted the damn thing quarantined, and he knew he’d go absolutely spare if Lister ‘endangered’ himself, and potentially spoiled one of the tests. Lister had no time for any of it. All right, so it was a pod – but why should it be an alien pod? And why should the owner of the pod jettison their valuable technology that just _happened_ to be the very thing Rimmer was looking for?

 

But then Lister felt guilty when he saw the excitement on Rimmer’s face. The man so rarely expressed any kind of childlike wonder and imagination, and he didn’t want to be the git to stamp all over that. And so, he kept his more specific doubts to himself, and wished Rimmer good luck as he stepped out of the Observation Room into the corridor.

 

‘Wait, you’re not staying?’ Rimmer called after him, looking rather disappointed.

 

‘It’s gonna be a while until you open it, isn’t it?’ said Lister gently. ‘You can let me know when it’s ready.’

 

‘Oh, yes. Where are you going, then?’

 

‘Just for a little walk around.’

 

‘You’re not – ’

 

‘I won’t go drinking, I promise.’

 

‘That’s – thank you.’ Rimmer relaxed, and then frowned down at Lister’s body. ‘ - Is that my shirt?’

 

Lister glanced down at Rimmer’s old nametag on his chest. ‘Yeah, I found it this morning,’ he said, smiling up at him.

 

Rimmer still looked just somewhat perplexed, as if he was going to voice that wearing each other’s uniform on duty was highly unprofessional, but then a small smile began pulling at the corner of his mouth. ‘Suits you,’ he muttered.

 

The pair said their goodbyes again, and then Lister went off in search of the Cat, who had been mysteriously absent these last few days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone still reading! I had hoped for this to be up for Valentine's Day, but no such luck. Happy Belated Valentine's Day guys!


End file.
